Soul's Release
by I'm Not Even A Writer
Summary: My wishful thoughts of Olivia and Fitz' first conversation after the season 4 finale. This is only my second fic that I've ever written so be gentle. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
1. Soul's Release

Their breathing had long since slowed. Their heartbeats returned to normal. The high of their reunion was fading and they knew it was time. There would be so much to deal with in the morning. Mellie and Cyrus' shock of their dismissals would have worn off by now. Their next moves would have to be anticipated with counter plans of attack or bargaining. They had to have a meeting about how, when, and what to tell the public. It would be best to spin it as an amiable separation of the First Couple, something that has been stalled for a number of years but has finally come an agreeable end.

Olivia knew she was stalling. She glanced at Fitz to see his eyes closed but knew he wasn't sleeping. He was likely having the same train of thought as she was. All to avoid the torturous but necessary conversation of their, presumed and hopefully permanent, reunion. Olivia then tried to think of their future. The process proceeded as it always had. Olivia felt a surge of happiness thinking of a life with Fitz. Just starting and ending the day with him. She remembered their dynamic during his first campaign election. The feeling of accomplishment she felt when they solved a problem together. When they would ride that high into each other's arms at night. To lay across from each other whispering small confessions. To be able to have that without limitations. Without having to sneak around and deceive. The thought made Olivia reach once more for Fitz, looking to hold on to the connection. In doing so she saw the clock on his nightstand and with the fleeting time she remember what comes along with the man. The life of the man she helped to create, she reminded herself.

Her head began to swim with the memories of the past 6 years. The pain, the betrayal, the fear, and the loss. Olivia felt her breathing begin to quicken and her throat begin to tighten. They had to talk about what has happened to them and what they've done to each other. She knew this but she had to think. This meant she had to move away from Fitz. She started to pull away but Fitz clutched her waist and pulled her close again. He turned to his side to face her head on.

"Livvie," he whispered. "We…I think we need to talk about…"

"Yes, I know." Olivia interrupted as she abruptly sat up in bed, swinging her legs off the side. She had the urge to get dressed. She needed protection around her to face what was to come. "We have to plan out our next moves. Who knows what Mellie and Cyrus will say to the press come morning. We'll have to make sure there's no breach of contract with Cyrus' dismissal and you will need several very good and well paid lawyers to deal with Mellie. I think it is best if we stamped out the rules of war as quickly as possible before it becomes an all-out battle."

Olivia was speaking a mile a minute trying to out run the thoughts looming just behind her. She was trying not to make eye contact with Fitz as she reached for the nearest piece of clothing, which happened to be his dress shirt. Fitz sighed as he got out of bed and went to find something to wear for himself in a nearby dresser. Olivia sat at a small table on the other side of the room watching as he pulled on shorts and a t-shirt. She hadn't seen him so close and physically exposed in so long. She'd missed the slope of his back and the reach of his arms.

Fitz finally came and sat in the chair opposite of her, pulling it to face her.

Olivia began, "Ok, Mellie…"

"No." Fitz interjected tersely. "Fitz, we have to get ahead of this!' Olivia retorted.

"Yes, we do. Which means that we have to figure out what we are doing. We have to get passed what has happened to us. What we have done. We can't go on like this." His voice was pleading now. "We have to…I don't know. But it has to be right here and right now."

Olivia felt the walls closing in again. She made to get up to put more distance between them but Fitz knew that trick. He grasped her by the forearms.

"No, Livvie. We can't keep playing this game. Just say what you feel!" Olivia could hear the strain in his words but she kept her eyes away from him. "I don't care what it is," he continued. "Olivia, if you want to damn me to hell, then do it. As long as whatever you say is how you actually feel. Don't think about the next move. We are not a chess game. I've told you before, you do not fix me. I am not something to be repaired."

Olivia looked up at him after a moment. They both slid back into their seats. Fitz slid his hands down her forearms, wrists, and hands, eventually letting go. They didn't touch anymore but he stayed close enough to her that she could feel him.

"If I'm not able to fix, then what would you need me for?" The words felt like they opened the flood gates. She searched Fitz' face, contorted with confusion, and continued on.

"When my mother…died…when she died, my father sent me away to boarding school. I was 12 years old. I felt like I was just an obligation then. I felt like he tolerated me my entire life for my mother's sake. Even when I went to college and he tried to bond through bribes and threats, I knew it was because he felt I could be useful again."

Olivia sprang to her feet and started to pace the floor. She wasn't trying to distance herself from Fitz now. She just needed another means of expelling the energy and rage that was rising from her.

"Even after my mother returned and I learned what she was…she left me!" Olivia stopped and stared at Fitz with disbelief. "She didn't need me anymore. Or him. Our usefulness had ended. So she left." She quickly sat down on the bed and restlessly began to fumble with the sleeves of Fitz' shirt that she wore.

"So I figured I needed to be necessary. I needed to be essential to stay in someone's life. And I know, Fitz! No matter how many times I tell other people that I am not some tool to be used, I can't shake the feeling!"

Her voice and hands began to shake and Fitz went and knelled before her, clasping her hands and urging her to go on.

"And now everyone who has ever mattered to me is only in my life because they needed me and I fixed them. Cyrus, Abby, Huck, Quinn, Stephen, Harrison," she let out a gasp of sadness while saying her fallen friend's name. "And you." Her voice steadied again and she looked down into his eyes.

"That's why I kept pushing you away. Why I need you to be president. We've done so many horrible things. I've done so many horrible things. It has to be for more than just us. We have to pay back the debt we owe for what we've done." She looked to him, begging him to understand. "Because if we don't, if we just throw it all to the wind and ride off together, than I will have to live with knowing we are just selfish and horrible people! Sitting in a house in Vermont waiting for the day you realize that I wasn't worth it."

Fitz looked at her disbelievingly. "Liv, you don't think…"

Olivia was suddenly calmer as she went on, "And that was my fear before! Now I have a new one of us being happy. So happy. Until the day you look at me and all you see are my parents' faces. And the longer you see them, the heavier your arms become, feeling the weight of your son." The last words nearly choked her.

"Oh my God, Olivia!" Fitz bent his head, not looking into her eyes.

"Could we ever live that way?" Olivia asked to the back of his head. She began to tug at his hair, softly, as if she were savoring it for the last time. As if this realization was going to be the end for him.

"Don't you know, Livvie? Don't you know?" Fitz looked up at Olivia. "I forgave you. I forgave you and it nearly killed me, right here in this room."

"What?" Olivia cupped his face in her hands. Fitz rose off of the floor and sat next to her on the bed.

"Liv, I sat here and I forgave you for my son's death. And it felt like a betrayal, so I took a sedative. Then I thought of the pain of Karen and Jerry and took another. Then I thought of all of those that have suffered and died because of me in one way or another and took a pill for each occasion."

Olivia grabbed his shirt with one hand and the back of his neck with the other, pulling their foreheads to each other.

"And then I stopped. I stopped because I knew it wasn't your fault, it was your parents. You are not your parents, Olivia." He made her look him in the eyes.

"Yes, we both have done some bad things. No matter the intent, we have done things that we will always have to live with. That we will have to forgive each other for. But we can't keep taking on everyone else's sins. We can't keep accepting, or offering, 'I did it for you' as an excuse. If we have to own our sins, we have to make others accountable for theirs."

They clutched each other even closer as Olivia tried to take his words to heart.

"We will make it right, Livvie. And we will do it together if you'll only just allow yourself the happiness you deserve."

"The way you command a room." Fitz continued dreamily with Olivia in his arms. His Livvie. "Your intelligence, your wit, your authority, and compassion. That is why I love you, Livvie. For the things that happen to make you a great fixer, not being an actual fixer."

Olivia began to shake her head against his chest.

"And because I know the yearning you have for home. For completion because I have it, too. I just want to have it with you."

Olivia finally broke down and they collapsed back into the bed. They held on to each as if they were trying to make the words stick. Trying to soak them in so they would stay and change them for the future. For the better.

After some time, their breathing had slowed. Their heartbeats returned to normal. The stress of their release was fading and they knew it was time. There would be so much to deal with in the morning.

"I'm keeping my job but I'll eventually move into Blair's house. Once Mellie's left. If that's where she is now." Olivia whispered to Fitz from across their pillows. "I don't want to go public for a while."

"Whatever you want." Fitz replied back with a sweet smile. "But please, move into another apartment."

Olivia smiled back at him, "Whatever you want."

Whatever we want, she echoed as she drifted off for a few hours of sleep.


	2. No Time

Olivia was putting on the last touches of her make-up while keeping an ear out for the news in her bedroom. She knew the press had received word of Mellie leaving the White House the night before, but didn't know if they had details yet. She herself snuck out a few hours before dawn so as to not add fuel to the fire. She and Fitz didn't get much sleep between, eventually, prepping for the day ahead and their frequent passionate collisions throughout the night.

She hadn't realized how much she missed him. Them. Together. To lay her head on his shoulder. To feel his bare chest pressed against hers. To see the deep contrast of their skin tangled together with the sheets. She smiled to herself, caressing her collar bone where Fitz seemed to have focused his soft kisses. She took a deep breath to focus herself. She had plenty of work ahead of her and didn't need the distraction.

Olivia saw that the news was mostly speculation at this point. The confirmed fact was that Mellie had left the White House. Everything else, whether it happened to be true or not, was just speculation. She grabbed her purse and phones as she raced out of the door.

It was the sixth time she called and the sixth voicemail she left for Cyrus. It made her nervous to not be able to gauge him over the phone. She hoped he was just in his garden, ignoring her and not setting up for trouble. Olivia walked through the West Wing and could see several people moving in and out of the Oval Office. She greeted Charlotte as they nearly collided while walking through the doorway.

"Oh, Ms. Pope!" Charlotte exclaimed. "The President has been expecting you."

"Thank you, Charlotte." Olivia said as she gave her another smile. Charlotte blushed slightly and continued on with her previous task. Olivia couldn't help but feel a bit flustered herself. It was still awkward to interact with people who knew of her relationship with Fitz in the White House. Especially considering the risk.

Olivia walked through the door of the Oval Office to find a swarm of people deliberating with Fitz, each other, and other people through their phones. It all seemed about two steps down from chaotic and it felt rather comforting to her. She always thrived on the rush crisis. Seeing the pieces of the puzzle collecting, with some yet to be revealed. She received immense satisfaction from solving a crisis and she couldn't wait to get her hands into it. The only damper on her mood was realizing that this particular crisis involved her. And Fitz. Her stomach curled and turned and she took several deep breaths to get ahold of her emotions. No more backing out. They agreed that they would not do that anymore. She scanned the room to see Fitz in heated discussion with several of his advisors and attendees. She also saw Abby finishing a phone call and approached her.

"Alright, what's happened? The press had minimum details when I left my apartment but it looks like something has definitely happened since then." Olivia could only imagine what Mellie, or Cyrus, had done in the short ride from her apartment to the White House.

Abby whirled around at Olivia's words, taking a few seconds to come out of her phone conversation to register what she said. "Oh, no. This isn't about the First Couple," she said as she waved her thin, long arm around the room. "About twenty minutes ago, one of the new leaders of East Sudan decided that now would be a good time to try again with their former leaders agenda. He released a bunch of threating pictures on the internet. That's what the president is dealing with now. Lucky for him, and you," she murmured in Olivia's ear as they moved away from the crowd of people in the Oval, "it's drawing attention away from the _horrible_ idea of a divorced POTUS."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow at Abby. "Well, that certainly gives us more time to deal with the First Lady. Have you heard from Cyrus at all?"

"No. Not a peep," Abby grimaced. They both knew that that could not be a good sign coming from Cyrus Beene.

Olivia pursed her lips and crossed her arms, thinking. "Alright, I'm going to have to get eyes on him soon."

"Menta, I want you, Sanchez, and Zygment to have as much info as humanly possible in 30 minutes." Fitz boomed as he spoke to his staff. His head was facing the document he was writing and handing to intern Thomas Marku. Marku, a young man of about 25, collected the papers from Fitz with a, "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Fitz briefly glanced at him with a slight look of annoyance before returning his attention to his staff.

"Well meet in 30," commanded Fitz with a tone that sent his employees out of the office. Olivia gave a quick, and totally unwarranted, smile of pride at the action. She didn't know what was going on with her today. Nothing about what was happening in the Oval was new to her. She'd seen it many times before, with many other issues. It was usually better when the tension between herself and Fitz was dissipated, she reflected. The too few days when they could both talk shop and personally with ease were some the best days she spent in his administration.

Marku walked with purpose towards Olivia and Abby, handing Abby the pieces of paper Fitz had hastily written out. "Here are the details President Grant says to release to the public regarding this morning's issues, Ms. Whelan."

Abby took the papers and scanned them quickly. With a deep sigh to steel herself, she jerked her head towards the door while looking at the intern, "Alright Marku, let's get this rolling."

"Abby. Olivia. I need to speak with the two of you for a moment before we all leave," Fitz said to them as they reached the door. Marku swiftly nodded his head and went and sat alert and patient in the seat next to Charlotte's desk.

Fitz closed the door and gave Abby a look.

"What? He's a good worker." Abby defended Marku. "He's new and we need him. Especially now."

Fitz rolled his eyes with a shake of his head and dismissed Marku from his mind. "The notes I gave you were just quick notes about the East Sudan situation but it's all we know for right now anyway. I spoke with Mellie this morning," he continued with a grimace turning towards Olivia. "She doesn't want to speak to me."

"I doubt she'd feel any differently about having a meeting with me." Olivia knew they had to have a face to face with Mellie. Her previous reactions to Fitz and divorce talk haven't exactly ended well. "I'll try anyway," she said to Fitz with a bleak smile.

"For now, the press doesn't need anything more than they do," she said turning to Abby. "It's a private matter of no concern to the general public, yada yada."

Abby nodded to their requests. "Alright, got it." Abby gave a quick glance to Fitz and Olivia then excused herself from the room. "At attention Marku. We have work to do." Marku's stocky form jumped out of his seat and he obligingly follow Abby out of the waiting area. Olivia smiled a bit at Marku and his eagerness. She wasn't far at all from those days. She saw Fitz, holding the bridge of his nose, smile as well. She was just getting a close look at him and saw the dark circles and creased lines of his face.

"You look tired, Mr. President. Hard night?" She couldn't help the joke and hoped it would cheer him up a bit. Even just for a moment.

It worked and she saw Fitz look up with a face splitting grin on his face. "You could say that. Duty called though. I didn't mind at all."

Olivia looked at him and smiled equally hard. They fell silent for a few moments. They really had to run and get the ball rolling with their tasks for the day.

They stared at each other for a few moments longer but then Fitz took a deep breath and looked slightly beyond her, as if he were seeing something else, before returning his gave to her and speaking, "No. Don't try to call Mellie. I will speak to her myself. It may take another day or so but I'll do it myself." He spoke definitely but with a soothing smile.

Olivia released the breath she was holding as she reached for Fitz' hand. "I can't say that I'm not glad," she said with a nervous chuckle. The weight in her stomach eased marginally but was still quite prominent, as solid and heavy as when she walked through the residence hall just 12 hours before.

Their moment was then broken by the simultaneous ringing of Fitz' office line and Olivia's cell. There was so much to be done today and they didn't have time for their small one minutes. It was always timing with them, Olivia mused as she reached for her phone. Would they ever get it right?

"Reporters fishing for divorce details all morning. Response?" Olivia forced the air from her nose as she read the text from Quinn. She responded, "No details as of yet. Private matter. Yada, yada," echoing her instructions to Abbie. She had to get to the office and start coordinating things. She and Fitz first needed to speak with Mellie and Cyrus. The East Sudan situation would only tide over the public for so long. A First Couple divorce was, sadly, far more scandalous and intriguing than some threat from a far off country most people knew nothing about.

Olivia snatch up her purse as she turned back towards the door where she saw Fitz heading as well after hanging up his phone. "I guess it's time to get back to business," Fitz said a bit begrudgingly with his hand on the door knob. "I guess so," said Olivia as she reached him. Olivia then reached her mouth up to his and gave him a tender kiss. "We'll conference later?" she asked? Fitz kissed her again, laying their foreheads together. "Definitely," he said.

Then he opened the door and it was as if time resumed for them again. Fitz was instantly engulfed by several more members of his staff as he strolled through the West Wing with that walk of his. Olivia allowed herself one more brief smile at him before she prepared for whatever may lay before her while meeting one Cyrus Rutherford Beene.

"Oh God, this is so stupid," Olivia softly exclaimed as she sat, staring at the night sky, in the back of the unmarked car being driven to the White House by a secret service agent. She clutched her large Saint Laurent bag, feeling its contents of her normal wallet, cell phone, make-up bag and other everyday items discretely topping her pajamas, change of clothes, and nightly toiletries. In a moment of bold decision, she hastily packed the items after calling the number of secret service agent Antonio after she got home that night. Fitz had given her his information when she left that morning for when they needed, and wanted, to meet. She never thought she'd be using it so soon.

Now that she was actually headed there, the weight in her stomach increased substantially. Her mind was swimming with all of the reasons why she should have Antonio turn back immediately. The press would be like vultures for any miniscule detail about the Grant Divorce. There were limits to where they could go and when but still, it was rather risky. Any of the dozens of staff members could "anonymously" leak that Olivia had been there. She didn't even know how Fitz' conversation with Mellie went. Or if he was even able to meet with her. What if he wasn't even there because he was dealing with East Sudan?

Yet, she never told Antonio to turn back. It just seemed rather important for Olivia to stay with Fitz that night. With all of the nerves and fears still with her, she continued her trip towards the White House and residence hall.

Fitz wasn't there when she pushed open the bedroom door. She felt a bit of déjà vu as she set down her purse and walked onto the terrace. She felt the same restlessness as the night before. She wasn't sure what quite to do or what she shouldn't do. She didn't want to overstep her boundaries, asking for things and altering the space in any way. Being in the residence felt rather strange. It was like being in a friend's home for the first time. Looking around, you can see items that are familiar to you as being a part of the person. The bits of the personality you have grown to know. You also see the more private things allotted to everyone. Small, simple things that add to their personality and your own knowledge of them. Walking around Fitz' bedroom, she wondered how many things she'd recognize and how many would seem foreign to her about Fitz. How much _should_ she know? How much of Mellie was still here?

It seemed that a hot shower and some wine would help to calm her and her frantic thoughts. She grabbed the bottle of wine she brought with her and, momentarily disregarded her thoughts of boundaries, requested a wine glass from SSA Antonio. He didn't seem to mind, tonight nor the night before, so it eased her concerns.

She felt the shower was much needed for her relaxation at this point but she was even more nervous about that. She'd showered sometime in the night before while Fitz was there. _With_ Fitz. But again, Fitz was there. Somehow showering there, or requesting some much needed food, felt like a level of possession she wasn't yet comfortable with. She wasn't just in her lover's house while he was at work. There were staff members following these requests and a faint ghost of past inhabitants.

Olivia felt ridiculous now. She knew Fitz wouldn't mind at all if she made these requests or showered there, making herself comfortable. He'd likely insist on it. But as she slid off her shoes and stripped off of her clothes, she places them neatly in a corner out of the way. Small and un-intrusive. She grabbed her toothbrush out of her purse and walked into the bathroom.

After she'd finished with showering and all, she wondered if she should leave the small item there on the sink. She wondered if this was all too soon.

There it was again: time.

She and Fitz weren't exactly traditional with their relationship, to say the absolute least. The shared intimate spaces, thoughts, and experiences between them made a mere overnight bag seem ridiculously minuscule. She knew, though, in a span of a day they have gone from forever linked to complete strangers.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a small knock on the bathroom door.

Olivia opened the door to see Fitz on the other side. He looked much worn out but the weight that she saw there that morning didn't seem present.

"You came," he said, leaning against the door frame.

"Yeah," Olivia responded with a deep sigh. "How did it go with East Sudan? And Mellie" At this point in her day, she'd much rather hear about East Sudan than Mellie.

Fitz let out his own deep sigh saying, "How about I explain over food? Are you hungry?"

Two hours later, they lay facing each other in the large presidential bed. Fitz had ordered food and showered. They ate in bed, Fitz in his pajama bottoms, Olivia still in his robe. It kind of felt like they were staying at an expensive hotel. Fitz explained East Sudan: Part 2 as a basic case of whack-a-mole with its leaders. So far there had only been threats. Completely plausible ones but no actions so far from either side. "We just have to keep an eye on them," Fitz said while chewing on his bite of sandwich. They both agreed that anything requiring a fork and knife would require too much energy for them that night. "We're also reminding them about what happened to their last leader after spewing the same threats."

"And Mellie," Olivia asked after they'd finished eating. "Nothing that can't wait until the morning," he said with a shrug. "Did you talk to Cyrus?"

"That can wait until morning, too." Olivia really didn't have the energy to talk with Fitz about Mellie and Cyrus in one night. She also had her conversation with Huck and Quinn weighing on her as well. It all made the weight in her stomach return.

Now they lay staring at each other in half conscious states. Fitz slowly reach around her waist to draw her closer. Olivia responded by wrapping her hand around the back of his neck, twisting the curls between her fingers as she loved to do. Hey began slowly kissing and teasing. Fitz slowly caressed down her body, reaching lower and lower until he found his target. He kept massaging until she wrapped her leg around his waist, finding that they did have a bit more energy to expel.

The weight in her stomach didn't lift but it was joined but butterflies and him. They rested in their bubble of time until the morning light would bust it away once more.


	3. Talks

The soft beeping and buzzing of Olivia's phone alarm continued for the third time. It was probably a bit after 4 in the morning with the sky shining through the peak of the curtains as an illuminated darkness. Olivia stirred in his arms, beginning to wake as they both knew was needed. They couldn't do this for much longer. For the increased risk of being caught as much as the emotional toil it will have of them both, especially Livvie. The skulking in and out of each other's homes, walking the Devil's Hour. He knew it bothered her a great deal. It was another problem they would have to work through for the remainder of his presidential term. For now, they were warm and safe in their cocoon.

Fitz rested his hand lightly over her ribs. He caressed down the dip of her waist then the swell of her hip.

"I guess it's time to get up," he heard Olivia say to his chest. He squeezed her a little tighter as he sighed, "yeah, I guess so. How was your day yesterday?"

Fitz heard Olivia deeply sigh once again as she slowly sat up in bed. He watch as she stretched her arms over her head and his eyes traveled down her lean back as the blanket slinked farther down.

"Well, I found Cyrus. We had an...interesting conversation," Olivia informed him as she reached for her discarded robe.

"Interesting," Fitz scoffed. Was there any other type of conversation to have with Cyrus Beene? Fitz felt his blood begin to heat again with the thought of Cyrus' betrayal. He closed his eyes and began to take deep breaths, trying to control his emotions again. Trying to shake the sight of Cyrus and Rowan Pope conspiring behind his back. Trying to shed the dead weight feeling of his son's body from his arms.

"Fitz..." Olivia's voice pierced his solitude. He opened his eyes to see Olivia's deep brown eyes staring at him with concern. Fitz leaned towards the nightstand and turned on the lamp. "I'm fine," he told her. "What did he say?"

"Well," Olivia said as she rolled out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. "He asked if you were still making it to Ella's birthday party."

Fitz knew his facial expression must have been a sight to see based off of Olivia's response to it.

 _Olivia walked down the stone path of Cyrus' garden holding Ella's little hand. They chatted of things almost four year olds chatted of. She didn't think Ella quite understood what her birthday_ _meant beyond the promise of cake and friends, but she seemed excited nonetheless. Honestly, that was pretty much all that did matter for a birthday, she mused to herself. She saw Cyrus on his knees surrounded by beautiful pink peonies. Olivia sat on a stone bench near him as Ella ran off chasing a ladybug, having loss interest in her._

" _Ah, hi Liv. What brings you by?" Cyrus spoke with a jovial tone that slightly surprised her but she had seen him down on his luck before. If he is this spirited, he either has one hell of a plan or has lost his mind._

" _What's your plan. Cy?" Olivia asked while fiddling with one of the peonies before turning to face him head on. Cyrus continued clipping flowers as he answered,_ _"Oh, I was thinking some type of insect or nature theme. Apparently she's been really engrossed with it lately."_

 _It seems he had clearly lost his mind._

" _Cyrus, you know what I mea…"_

" _We'll get some costumes the other kids can put on," Cyrus said, interrupting her. "Face paint, bug cakes. Oh wait, cupcakes. That's what's in in now, right? I don't know." He waved off the thought. "And some food a little less grubby for all of the adults. Would you mind asking if Fitz and Mellie if they are still coming?"_

" _Cyrus!" Olivia felt rather impatient. She didn't have the time nor will to deal with Cyrus's games. Not after the minefields she just had to navigate with her parents over the past few years._

 _Cyrus sighed and groaned as he got himself off of the ground and plopped next to Olivia on the bench._

" _I know what you mean, Liv. I don't have anything planned beyond bugs and a cake. Rather, cupcakes."_

 _She stared at Cyrus, his line of sight shifting from Ella to something unseen in the distance. She knew that he had weighed the benefits and consequences of blackmailing Fitz. Nothing would hold too much weight considering Cyrus would go down in the hellfire with them all. They have all been through this thought process before with varying people as challengers. It all boiled down to whether self-sacrifice was an option._

 _Olivia wiped the plucked peony petals from her skirt and looked up to see Ella collecting various rocks, bugs, and other natural paraphernalia in her shirt, her little, round belly peeking out. Was she his deciding factor? The reason he stepped back? Olivia would greatly like to believe that of her sometimes friend, but she'd known him far too long._

" _And what happens after bugs and cupcakes," she said. "After a few months of domestic life or a relatively mundane job? When you aren't feeling so…zen?"_

 _Cyrus sat still for another moment or two, then gave a slight shrug. "You know me, Liv. I always bounce back." Cyrus gave her an ominous look that made her anger and impatience begin to ebb up again._

" _After what he did to Jerry. To Fitz. To me. Why did you help him?" Olivia stared at him again, trying to break his façade._

 _Cyrus slid off of the bench, grunting as he returned to his flowers while speaking, "You know me, Liv." Olivia stood up and began to walk away but was stopped by Cyrus's voice._

" _And Liv, you know Fitz. And Mellie. And yourself," he said with an irritating matter of fact tone. Olivia turned back towards the house, crushing flower petals under her feet._

Fitz watched Olivia through the mirror as she finished with her hair, pondering Cyrus's last words with her. "What do you think he will do?"

Olivia turned from the mirror to face him, "Plan a birthday party. We all know too much of each other's dirty deeds. He's looking at what tools he has left and trying to figure something out. Hopefully he does some soul searching while he's at it. If not, he knows what I'm capable of."

Fitz nodded, knowing that they played a delicate game. He would call it chess but it seemed much more like Jenga. Startegically pulling out undesirable pieces and waiting for someone else to screw up and inherit the blame. He then saw Olivia reach for his toothbrush and present it to him. "Your turn," she said. "What happened with Mellie?"

"Yelling and more yelling," he said as he grabbed the toothbrush from her. They switched positions as he went on.

 _Fitz held his pounding head in his hands as he sat with his elbows propped on his desk. He looked up to see Mellie flushed with the same rage he felt. They had been yelling at and over each other for 20 minutes before they both just lost their breath. He didn't have time for this. He was dealing with a crisis and needed to get back but knew this problem needed to be quelled._

" _We'll just have our lawyers talk from now on," he said as he rose from his desk._

" _You selfish son of a bitch!" Mellie was completely livid again. She gripped the edge of his desk and spoke through clench teeth. "Does it always have to be about you?! Do I always have to come in behind you? Will it ever be my turn?!"_

" _What the hell do you think we've been doing for all of these months?" Fitz' retort was just as vicious as he leaned over the desk to meet her nose for nose. "You are Senator of Virginia. We got you elected with no previous political positions held with a path towards the presidency. Everything you've always wanted, right? Well, now this is it. The last line to cut us free besides our kids. We are done and you can be whomever you want to be." Fitz walked towards the door again to leave. He needed to be away from her. To stop himself from saying anything else._

" _You wouldn't even be where you are if it weren't for me and what I've done for you!"_

" _Yeah, well neither would you!" He whirled back around towards her. "That's why you did it all, right? To make sure you made it here, too. Right?!" Fitz stared at Mellie, waiting for an answer. She just stood there with her arms crossed, her fist balled so tight he was sure her nails would leave marks._

 _Fitz sat down in his chair very precisely and leaned back. He spotted the picture of them with their children from his time as governor. He kept his gaze there as he continued._

" _And you were raised that way. Your parents made sure, from birth, that you would be some politician's wife and not much else. It was sexist and wrong and not your fault. I get that. I understand having some predestined future. Being a piece of someone's agenda, damned if you have any say." He looked up at Mellie then, seeing her face soften just a bit but still looking at an invisible stain on the floor._

" _That's why I don't get why you have fought me so hard about this divorce. After the presidency. When I told you we would do exactly what we have done over these last months. Get you on your own two political feet and away from my shadow. You reacted as if I wanted to boil you alive. Why?"_

 _Mellie just mechanically shook her head. She closed her eyes and he could see the tears slowly swell at the edge of her eyes. "Too much," she whispered. "I have done too much for you to…"_

" _And you shouldn't have. You should have said no. I should have said no."_

 _Fitz' eyes went back to the picture on his desk._

" _I shouldn't have cheated on you. I should have followed through with the divorce years ago. I shouldn't have kept Defiance a secret once I found out. I should have been a better father. I shouldn't have sacrificed the lives of those soldiers for…." Fitz felt his chest tighten as he choked off the last words._

" _But all of those decisions had consequences that I didn't want to deal with, so those were the decisions I made and I can't change that. I can't rewrite history. What I will do is try to right those wrongs and it starts with us." Fitz quickly rose from his seat and stood facing Mellie. He lifted her face and stared into her eyes, trying to see through to her._

" _It's time for you to do it on your own now. I can't be your fallback anymore. I won't be your scapegoat or the tool you pull out when needed. I…we…I can't be that person for you. I thought I could for a while, but I can't. I won't."_

 _Mellie pulled away from him and scoffed. "I guess some people can handle more than others." She left for the door spoke over her shoulder, "Our lawyers will talk."_

"I still don't think she understood what I was trying to say." They had moved from the bathroom and sat next to each other on the bed. Fitz toyed with Olivia's ring, twisting it on her index finger. He didn't think he knew exactly what he was trying to say either.

He knew she wouldn't be happy until she got those years back. The years she spent behind him. He couldn't give that to her, though. He could only try to give her a jumpstart for her future. That's what the senate seat was for. She would have to find the person she needed on her own. The person that would better her instead of just accomplish an agenda with her. Fitz found that in Olivia. He couldn't help Mellie on that path.

He realized then that maybe there was enough conversation of Mellie while he was with Olivia, half dressed and still a bit apprehensive about their current situation.

"And that was the second hardest conversation of the day," he spoke to Olivia, trying for a lighter tone. "All Karen said was 'ok' before hanging up." Olivia gripped his hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb.

"It's going to take time. And work but it will get better." Her voice and words were soothing. He hoped they were true as well. He didn't even know where to begin with his daughter. How would he ever make it ok with her?

Olivia leaned heavily into him. She kissed his still bare shoulder and he felt the smile she made. "I think after all we've been through, teenage angst should be a breeze." He felt her nervous chuckle on his shoulder as well. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed her forehead.

"If you ever need to talk about it, you can always talk to me, ok?" He stroked her harm gently, trying to elicit an answer.

He could barely hear it but she did softly speak an "ok."

They stayed still for a few minutes longer. They held onto each other giving and receiving small touches. A twirl of his hair, a caress down her fingers, a stroke of his back, and on and on. Just existing with her felt euphoric.

Olivia's phone began to ring again, this time with a text message. She slowly reached over to grab it off of the nightstand and stayed in that position, laid across his lap. He began to hope they would have a bit more time that morning. He wanted to see where the touches would take them before life pulled them out of their stupor. He felt her body tense as she finished the text message and knew that today wasn't the day.

"I have to get going." Olivia got up and grabbed her purse and shoes from the corner of the room where they were neatly placed. He got up to walk her to the door where is agent was waiting to take her wherever she wished to go.

He pulled her up to his lips and gave her a faint kiss on her mouth. Her felt her push herself up to deepen it and smiled. "Would you like to go out with me this weekend?"

Olivia gave him a bewildered look. "I've spent the night twice and now you want to ask me out on a date? What kind of backwards man are you, Mr. President?" He felt her press against him a bit harder and he wondered how many morning appointments he could push off.

"Yours," he replied on her lips. "Always yours."

Olivia smiled and bent to retrieve her dropped purse. "Well, I'm a very busy woman and I'll have to check my schedule but I think I could make this weekend work. Call with the details and I'll let you know." She then whirled out of the room with one last smile over her shoulder.

Fitz closed the door and leaned back on it feeling like some love-sick teenager. He rubbed his face feeling his puffy eyes, shaved skin, and near permanent smile and wondered just what kind of date would impress Olivia Pope.


	4. Forgotten

Olivia stomped through the lobby of her office building and jabbed the elevator button harder than necessary. She checked her phone for the fifth time since she left Fitz and the White House, hoping to see another message from Quinn. All the last message said was, "Huck wants to say goodbye. Come to OPA."

Goodbye? Where the hell is he going? Olivia tried calling them both while she was being driven to OPA that morning but Quinn didn't answer and Huck's number was disconnected.

The elevator finally reached her and she hurried to get the old freight gate and doors opened and closed back behind her. Nothing was moving fast enough for her this morning and she impatiently tapped her heeled foot while watching the numbers on the elevator increase. All warm and comforting feelings of Fitz's touch had left her by now, adding to her irritation.

She finally reached her floor and pushed her way through so quickly, that her heel caught in the space between the elevator and the floor. Before she fell completely, she felt hands grab her upper arm and shoulder. Huck pulled her up so that she could firmly plant her feet on the floor before walking off towards the conference room.

Olivia stood for a moment feeling a bit baffled. "What the hell's going on? Quinn said you wanted to say goodbye," Olivia yelled to his back as she tried to catch up with him. As she followed him into the room, she saw Quinn leaning against the wall near the doorway, hands shoved in her pockets, as she stared at nothing in particular on the floor. Huck was shoving some things into a bag on the table.

Olivia whirled around to face Quinn. "What's going on? Where are you going?'" She turned back to Huck with the last question.

"I have to go. I did something bad and I have to go," Huck mumbled as he finished packing his bag.

Quinn finally spoke, "He killed the jurors. We talked about it and this is best, right Huck?"

Olivia turned back to Huck to see him quickly look up at Quinn's tart tone, then back down towards the table. Olivia pressed her palms against her eyes, then slowly slid them down her face. She knew it was a possibility but completely pushed the idea out of her mind when it happened. Her father had a grasp on all of the other B6-13 agents and Huck was no exception.

She also knew it wasn't just her father that could trigger Huck. She thought he was ok. She thought his family was helping. Or she just wasn't paying enough attention in the last year to know.

"Huck, you don't have to leave," Olivia pleaded. She was trying to stay in control of the situation and herself. "No, you're not leaving. I can get you help. The help you need. No, you're not leaving." She tried to put finality into the words she spoke. Trying to convey the Olivia Pope authority so many have bent under. Huck had his own authority, though. One in which the consequences for disobedience was far graver than her own.

Huck pulled his tattered army green back over his shoulders. She could see so very easily how he would regress back into the same state. Less of an actual man and more an overgrown and battered gnome. Something wandering the night streets and sitting motionless on subway station platforms. A background piece of modern city life. Unknown and forgotten. The way she found him.

"Do you know what I did, Olivia?" Huck stood staring at the floor, his hands behind his back and legs shoulder with apart. Standing at ease, a soldier's at ease. His mind was made up.

"Do you know what I _actually_ did? I killed a bus full of people. No, I went beyond that. I slaughtered them. I shot them. I cut their throats. I stabbed them in the hearts. I held their dying bodies." His breathing quickened and his eyes enlarged as he remembered that day. "The warm blood in my hands and running down my arms, soaking through my shirt. God, it was amazing. I only had a short time but I sat there for a few minutes, seeing what I'd done before the guilt tried to choke me."

Olivia felt as though fingers were wrapping around her own throat.

"It comes less now. The guilt. And its grip isn't as strong. I thought I could fight this, Liv. With you and Javi and Jessica. I thought I was better. I thought I was...closer to Diego again. But I'm not. I never will be again and I need to leave."

Huck began to make his way towards the elevator, pressing between Quinn and Olivia as they surrounded the conference room door. She reached and yanked him by the sleeve.

"You can't just leave," she roared.

Before she could blink, Huck was right in her face as his body pressed hers against the door. "Why not? You did." Huck blinked and took a step back. "You got on a plane a left, didn't you? There were threats and it was too much, so you left. Well, I'm the threat now and I'm leaving. I always told you I would say goodbye so I am. Goodbye."

Huck walked to the elevator and pressed the button. Olivia felt her head begin to throb along her temples. She couldn't just let him leave this way. She felt that she was abandoning him. He wasn't fixed. He was still a man in a broken and destructive shell. She just couldn't believe that the destruction finally seeped through and saturated him.

"Huck!" She stomped towards him and stood speaking again to his back. The elevator reached their floor and Huck pulled the gate open but didn't walk through.

"If I can find you help, promise me you will come back when I call." Olivia stood waiting for a reply with clenched fists. "I don't think I can get you back to Diego. I don't think that will ever happen. But I think I can keep you from that man on the bus. I can keep you from him. Promise me, Huck. Promise that you will try if I find a way to help you."

Olivia watched Huck move into the elevator and pull the gate close. She felt the sting of the tears in the corners of her eyes and the ball in her stomach leaden as she watched the doors close between herself and Huck.

She let her head fall back and closed her eyes, running her hands through her hair as though the motion would pull her worst thoughts of Huck's future from her mind. Then a voice startled her back to her present surroundings.

"Well, pretty soon you can remove the "A" from OPA if we keep going at this rate." Quinn spoke sternly but Olivia could hear the small catch in her voice. Olivia stared at her, not knowing how to respond. She knew they had grown to be rather close and that his leaving hurt her just as much. Quinn stood for moment longer, staring at the elevator doors, biting her lower lip with glossed over eyes before silently walking to her office and closing the door behind her.

Olivia found herself doing the same without realizing so until she plopped down in her office chair. Her headache began to spread across her forehead now and she tried to unclench her jaw and hands to lessen the pain. Huck was right and she knew it. He was losing control over himself. It wasn't a very strong hold in the first place but this was...

Olivia sat up and shook herself of the thoughts. She needed to cling to something of her own.

Fitz. No, not now. Not yet, she corrected. They were facing so many problems ahead but he wanted to deal with Mellie on his own and she would have to step back...but not too far. She could only have Huc…Quinn keep a close eye on Cyrus for now. She knew that storm was brewing and she needed to well prepared.

So, what else could she do? She didn't have any new clients but even if she did, she was very understaffed to deal with much. Olivia closed her eyes but soon felt the lurking darkness begin to ebb. Her body remained tense until she felt the sun's warm rays begin to settle over her arms and face. She must have fallen asleep because when she opened her eyes the room was nearly filled with soft light, littered with small particles of dust. The late nights and early mornings were starting to get to her. It's not as though she would get much more sleep even if she were alone in her apartment. The dreams crept in and out like a lazy tide at night but lately her conscious state wasn't much better.

Olivia stood stretching weary muscles and feeling the crack of burdened bones. Her mental anguish was traveling downward through her body. She grabbed her purse and headed for the elevator to venture out for coffee and maybe some food. As she passed Quinn's office, she saw the door ajar and the room as silent and empty as the rest of her offices. Olivia pressed the elevator button thinking that she really may have to remove the "A".

Olivia lay on the floor, stark naked with the President of the United States' head between her breasts. There was nowhere else she'd have rather been. She thread her fingers through his short, curly hair, feeling all of the round ringlets, as she stared with hooded eyes at the ceiling of the Camp David cabin.

"Fitz," she began. "Why is the ceiling covered with a white sheet?"

"Well," Fitz said as he disconnected their flesh with a small sucking sound. "I had a very romantic date all planned out before you bombarded me at the door. You're a lot stronger than you look." Olivia watched his smile slowly spread across his face and could feel herself mimic it.

"Oh, I know. And don't you forget it." They both let out small chuckles before Fitz stretched his body over hers and kissed the small hollow of her throat.

"I missed you, too," he spoke into her throat and his baritone voice resonated through her own chest.

Olivia didn't know what came over her but she guessed that she just simply missed him. When she finally saw him at his cabin door, she just had to touch him. They hadn't seen each other in person for four days. The press were getting aggressive about getting any and all details regarding the First Divorce since the East Sudan news began to die down. They both agreed that their White House encounters would have to halt for a while.

Olivia tried distracting herself from the pain of Huck's departure by vetting out possible new associates. Quinn was right, they needed people. It seemed rather cold to her at first but it was practical. Practical was what she needed with so many restless nights of waking panting, thinking she was once again being held captive in that grimy, damp room.

Olivia hadn't told Fitz about Huck or the dreams. It was more so that she didn't have to relive the moments than anything else. She pulled Fitz's face from her neck and caressed his face between her hands. "So what's the sheet for?"

Fitz pecked her forehead, then got up and headed toward the kitchen, not bothering to cover himself. She surely didn't complain about the view and instead pulled the throw blankets and pillows from the couch hear her and made a comfortable nest for them.

Fitz returned to the room minutes later with a giant bowl of popcorn and a bottle wine with glasses. "I'm glad I keep this on reserve here. I figured cutting through lamb would be a bit difficult while on our backs."

Olivia cheerfully scooted to the side to make room for Fitz and their small meal. Fitz set the bowl, glasses, and bottle down but moved across the room to fiddle with something in the corner. Another minute or two later and Olivia had glasses poured and Fitz had all of the lights turned off and the windows draped.

Olivia stared into the darkness feeling Fitz settle beside her. "This is lovely," she said in a tone as dry as the wine she sipped.

"Isn't it," Fitz said, returning the tone. Then in an instant, the ceiling flashed bright with an image of the night sky as the projector was turned on.

"Wow," Olivia sincerely whispered. The announcer's voice then boomed over the speaker system, startling her for a moment. It seemed to be a documentary on the stars and constellations, starting from the Sun and moving outward.

"I knew I couldn't take you out anywhere so soon, so I thought a trip through the universe was a fair trade," Fitz said while settling her into his arms.

"Very clever of you," Olivia said while keeping her eyes on the expanding view above her. They fell into silence as they comfortably travelled through the Milky Way and beyond discovering galaxies, nebulas, and stars, nibbling on popcorn and sipping their wine. About an hour or so later, the video turned into a continuous loop of the galaxy playing. The narrator's voice was replaced with soft, fluid music.

The slow motion through the universe and the swaying music were having a calming effect on Olivia and she felt herself slip into her own dark world when Fitz's sleep laden voice pierced through the room.

"This was the best part of my night training in the Air Force. And the worse. Being alone in the cockpit with this great, huge sky above you. Sometimes knowing that there was so much more out there, so much more than I would ever know or could imagine, was such a comfort. Being alone out there with nothing to think or worry about but myself and my own path."

Olivia looked up at him then to see his eyes were closed. His voice was getting heavier with each word he spoke and she knew he was completely lost in his memories.

"Then other times, the solitude and vastness was so crippling and so terrifying that it felt like I was collapsing into myself. Like I was forgotten and forever lost. All I wanted was to finish and get back to solid ground and people. Anyone, it didn't matter who."

Fitz fell silent then and Olivia thought he'd fallen asleep until his voice cracked when he spoke again, "I know the feeling, Olivia. I know the dichotomy of solitude. I'll understand. When you're ready."

Olivia felt his body finally completely slacken then and she placed her hand over his heart. He did get it. Knowing the need to be alone yet fearing the loneliness that could follow. She didn't know how or when she would put into words, what she has been through, what she was currently experiencing in the void of her dreams, but knowing that someone would at least understand a part of it was enough to release her last burdens allowing for sleep.

The constant buzzing of Olivia's phone on the hardwood floor woke her some time later. She shielded her eyes from the bright blue standby light from the projector and reached for her phone a few feet from them. She went to turn off her alarm but saw that it was actually a text.

Her heart was lodged in her throat when she read the two simple words.

"I promise."

Olivia lightly set her phone back on the floor and lay her head back onto Fitz chest, warm tears slowly falling down her cheeks.

The tears began falling faster as the only thought that could cross her mind was that things might actually be ok.

 **A/N: Hi everyone. I have read all of your reviews and it really brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to say thank you and I am glad you are enjoying this story.**

 **Just some warnings, this story is more of an outlet for my Scandal frustrations. And most of my Scandal frustrations come from the lack of in between moments from my favorite characters. So that's what this story will be. In between moments, conversations, and hopeful resolutions. Thank you so much for reading!**


	5. Smells of Home

It was so cold. She could feel the grimy steel under her clammy palms. Her palms began to sting with numbness as she increased her forcefulness, pounding against the door. She could feel the stinging in her throat as she prepared to yell for her freedom. She had to get out.

Olivia let her anger and frustration strengthen her as she continued her task, determined to force her way through three inches of steel. In an instant, the hard, cold metal was replaced by the firm, warm grip of hands around her wrists.

"No!" she screamed as she struggled to be free. The grip didn't slacken and she began to buck and kick trying to be release. Her eyes were tightly shut but she could see the face clearly. Strong brows merged with soft eyes. A flow from pale to olive skin. Brunette hair changed shades as though the man was walking through sunlight and shadows. The faces of her captors shifting and merging into one.

Then suddenly it was dark. The face and her surroundings disappeared and all she could do was feel. The stinging of her hands were soothed by the coolness of soft kisses. Her eyes remained shut but the tension in her face and body began to relax. Her breathing transitioned from quick, hyperventilating breaths to deeper hiccups mixed with shallower ones.

As she calmed, Olivia could feel more thoroughly. The lips had stopped kissing and were just pressed against her palms. She could now feel deep vibrations running from her hands, down her arms, and through her chest. He was humming a soothing and familiar tone while gently cupping her hands to his face. She could feel his rough stubble and closed eyes as he continued with the calming gestures. She traced his brows with her fingertips with a feather touch before she felt herself drift back into the peaceful solitude of a dreamless sleep.

* * *

It was so hot. Olivia rolled onto her side just to find out that it was nearly impossible. Her body was weighted by two large and rather fluffy comforters that she recognized from the bedrooms in the Camp David cabin. She stretched out her hand in search for an end to her 1200 thread count cave. Her hand finally touched the rather cold hardwood and she attempted to pull back both comforters with one swoop. She finally succeeded after two attempts and she could only wonder what the hell these things were stuffed with! Actual whole geese?!

Olivia caught her breathe after her daring escape and looked to her side in search for peach toned, slightly hairy limbs and observed that she was alone. The air was quite chilly. Her overnight bag was just in reach and she quickly dressed in her favorite dark grey leggings, tank top, and cashmere wrapped sweater.

As Olivia finished dressing, she headed for the bathroom to do some absolutions. While washing she kept whiffing a smell in the air. Was that it yeast? She finished up and gave herself a once over in the mirror. The troublesome night was evident through her puffy eyes and dull skin. She sighed and pushed her way back through the bathroom door in search of Fitz.

It was still rather cold as she followed her nose to the kitchen. There must have been a cold snap the night before in incommodious April fashion. It was actually still rather early from the looks of the dark light creeping through the windows. The atmosphere became much warmer as she turn the corner into the kitchen passageway.

Fitz looked up then and saw her, giving her a small smile. He looked so tired. Puffy eyes and creased lines carved into his face making Olivia feel a pang of guilt in her stomach. He lost sleep because of her. Because of her nightmares.

"Good morning," Fitz said, still having the gravel of sleep in his voice. He must not have been up for too long than.

"Morning," she replied as she crossed to stand across the kitchen island, looking at his concoctions. "What's all this?"

His face lit up a bit then as he said, "Breakfast. Peasant bread!"

Olivia looked from Fitz's proud grin down to the full countertop filled with flour, sugar, butter, a large bowl with remnants of a sticky substance, and two smaller bowls covered with plastic wrap with large tan blobs of sticky dough speckled with herbs inside.

"Wow," Olivia said a bit thunderstruck. She looked back up at his face and gave him an inquiring look.

Fitz smiled as he removed the plastic from their bowls, scraping off any dough that stuck to it and returning it to the bowls. "Grandma Chlebek taught me. She said I have to keep the tradition since my mother could burn water." Fitz chuckled as he placed the bowls of dough in the hot oven and continued, "She made me commit the recipe to memory before I was old enough to touch an oven by myself."

This completely tickled Olivia and she giggled uncontrollably into her sweater. "Huh," she said as she took control over herself, "I didn't realize you were such a foodie. And I here I am thinking I am special for my making jam. And you never even made bread to go with it!"

Olivia put on her best faux offended face, hopped onto the high stool and made herself more comfortable, a night of sleeping on the floor did her no favors, as she watched Fitz clean off the counter.

Fitz, having scoffed off her comments, walked over to the sink and began washing out bowls. "I am unfortunately nearly as challenged in the culinary field as my mother…and you," Fitz finished under his breath.

"I heard that," Olivia menaced with an evil eye to Fitz's back. "I do have several recipes that I can execute without help, thankyouverymuch."

Fitz then turned from the sink, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. It was his turn to give Olivia a look. "Besides jam, what can you cook?" Olivia went to open her mouth to answer but Fitz interrupted her, "Or popcorn!"

Olivia closed her mouth, pursing her lips, as she sat back in her chair. She watched as Fitz turned back towards to counter and poured two cups of coffee. The memory finally struck her as Fitz rounded the island and sat on the stool beside her.

"Fried plantains!" she exclaimed, nearly spilling the coffee as Fitz handed it to her. "I make excellent fried plantains," she said, then took a restorative sip of her coffee. "I haven't made them since I was a kid though. I'm slightly allergic to them."

Through her recollection, Fitz had positioned them so that they faced each other and her legs were slightly wedged between his. "Well, I stand corrected." He inched his face closer to hers and their noses lightly grazed. Everything about their contact was delicate this morning. He lightly let his hands travel along her thighs from her hips to her knees and she could hear the slight rasping sound it made. He then gently traced the outline of her face, her jawline, and then her lips. Olivia blindly placed her cup onto the counter and eliminated the last inch of distance between them by resting her lips on to his with a smile that he mimicked. And in a moment, all delicacy was lost.

"You really want to try my plantains, huh?" Olivia breathed as they finally disengaged from their moment of bliss. Fitz simply replied with a wide grin and rested his forehead on hers. He cupped her hands in his own and began to rub them.

"Are you still cold?"

A short question and she felt the moment recede as a fog crept over her. She hopped down from her stool and walked over to the refrigerator. "How long before the bread is done?" she asked in what she hoped was an answering tone to his question. There wasn't much food in the fridge, it's probably only stocked when someone is expected, but she found a pear and a small carton a strawberries. It was rather early in the year for any decent fresh berries but she could pick out a few that looked edible.

Pulling out a cutting board and knife, she started to dice the fruit. She could feel Fitz's eyes on her back but it had been a minute or two since she non-answered his question. Not now. Not today. It's over and passed in the night. She tried to project these thoughts to him while continuing her preparations.

Apparently, he heard her. "About 25 more minutes. Not including cooldown time," he finally replied. She could hear the concern still laced through his voice. She turned back towards the island and stretched up to reach for a small pot on the overhead hanging rack. "Perfect timing than," she said as she strained to reach the pot. "This should be done by then."

Fitz effortlessly reached the pot and handed it to her. "Height is overrated," she said, smirking at him as she snatched it away.

"It sure is," he replied in a placating tone. "You said you learned to make jam in college, right?"

"Yeah. Well, no," she corrected herself while measuring out her fruit and sugar. "I learned my freshman year of high school. Abby sparked up my interest again in college. Abby is a big stress baker and she kind of roped me into that during finals and exam time. We took the Freshman 15 all through grad school." Olivia chuckled as she recalled showing up to lecture halls with stacks of muffins and jam on top of her law books.

She searched the cabinets and found some cinnamon to add to her impromptu jam, got everything into the pot and on a medium sized blame. She continued to watch the pot as she continued her story.

"Yeah, but it was Martha Barrison that actually taught me how to make jam. She and her family." Olivia almost became entranced watching the edges of the goopy mixture begin to boil. "My da…Eli only came to take me home during major holidays but Marty's family picked her up at least once a month. They took me a few times and that's when they taught me."

* * *

Fitz leaned on the island countertop resting his chin on his hands as he listened and watched Olivia. He knew how rare and hard it was for her to speak of her childhood. He didn't want to interrupt her.

He almost spoke after a minute or so of silence. He could see she was slowly stirring the pot and could only connect the actual action with their conversation. Is this too much? He knew he shouldn't have hinted at her nightmare from the night before but he just wanted her to know he was here for her. "God, can I do anything right?" he thought to himself.

"They made me see a therapist. When I first got there." Her voice startled him out of his own thoughts. He stayed stock still, not even breathing too deeply.

"I stopped speaking after Eli dropped me off there. Everyone was 'concerned about my mental health after such a traumatic experience,'" she mocked. "Jason Carfax. He was the first person I spoke to. He was the first person that I felt safe with after…"

Fitz let a bit of breath go then. He knew the pain of losing a mother. He couldn't imagine if it were to happen at such a young age. He watched as she continued to stir and thought he could actually see the dichotomy that was Olivia Pope.

"But one day, he was late. The receptionist told me he was coming back from therapy. His own therapy. That's when I found out that therapist usually have their own psychiatrists to help them deal with the burden of helping others. So I didn't go back after that." Olivia turned not the flame under her jam and began to clean off the counters.

He was confused. Why did she stop because of that? He wanted to ask her but was afraid she'd completely shut away. But he just had to know.

"Why?" he asked in a soft, almost croaked from disuse, voice. He tried not to make eye contact, not wanting to intimidate her, but he wanted to try to gauge her face. Like anyone who was worth their weight in the political field, Olivia could stonewall the best of them but he was hoping to just catch a glimpse of what she was actually feeling.

With this knowledge in his mind, what actually showed in front of him surprised him a great deal. Olivia turned around to wipe off the imaginary stains on the island and it was as if he could see that 12 year old girl just under the surface of the woman who stood before him.

"I thought it was safe," her voice broke through. He was even more confused now but waited until she finished. "I thought he was helping me. Helping me to…to release my pain. To let it all go, that's what he kept telling me to do, 'Let it out and you'll feel much better, Liv. Just release it and let it float away.'"

Olivia was scrubbing the countertop so aggressively now that he thought she would burrow right through the thick finish.

"It wasn't true though. Nothing just floats away. It gets passed on to the next person. You just, you just burden others with your own problems and leave them to live with it or figure out how to unload it on someone else!" She threw the sponge into the sink and stood there, hands clinched on its edge.

This time Fitz's silence was due to complete consternation. Was that true? Is it why it was so hard her to talk to him? For him to talk about Jerry and his…bad night? He shifted uncomfortably at the memories. He and Olivia had pretty exceptional circumstances. The key parts to their problems involved black ops groups that don't exist and federal crimes. They could hire merely anyone to speak to about their emotional problems.

Or is that a cynical thought? He knew he didn't want to talk to anyone about that night, even Olivia, because it made him feel weak. He didn't want to talk about Jerry because that would open up a forum for many other ideas that would just spiral out of control. He had known Olivia long enough to know that exposing weakness and losing control were not an option for her.

Was there truth to both those ideas? There had to be a better way. Some solution that they couldn't see, that they weren't looking for to begin with because of their avoidance. Fitz rubbed his hands through his hair trying to extinguish the feeling the half dozen new questions worming through his mind induced. He took a deep breath and got a whiff of the slightly brown crust of homemade bread.

"Shit," he mumbled as he jumped from the stool and reached for the oven door. He opened the door while looking up to find something to pull out the bread bowls with when Olivia put a dish cloth in his searching hands. As he reached for the first bowl, he felt Olivia reach over him and grab the bubbling jam off of the stovetop. After a minute and a couple of scorned fingers, both bowls and the jam were settled on the kitchen island top.

"Nothing too bad," he said as they both examined the fruits of their labor. The bread was only a little darker than necessary and the jam was just slightly scorched at the bottom.

"Yeah, completely salvageable," she muttered into the pot. He saw the rise and fall of her shoulders before she looked up at him with tear glazed eyes. "It's not ruined," she breathed with an air of relief.

He engulfed her into his arms and rubbed her back in what he hoped was a soothing manner as he said, "No. It's not ruined." He pulled her away and looked into her deep brown eyes, watching as the frightened and confused child faded away and the weary but impressive woman appeared again.


	6. Slow Dancing in A Burning Room

The rain was getting heavier and the sky was darkening. At only 1 o'clock in the afternoon the sky had darkened to twilight. That strange atmosphere of a bright, shining sun trying to piece through blackened and angry clouds and rain. The rhythmic sound was beginning to lull Olivia of her worries. She sat surveying the storm through the floor-to-ceiling windows that lined one side of the restaurant. She fully relaxed in the wide-back chair and wrapped her hands around her warm cup of green tea. It was only when Abby returned from the restroom and sat across from her that she was pulled back from her thoughts.

"Um, ok where was I?" Abby mumbled as she replaced her napkin back on her lap and took a sip of water. "Mm," she exclaimed while trying to swallow quickly. "So, yeah, he's an idiot. This new and rather enthusiastic reporter seems like he wants to fast track himself to being the new Carl Bernstein but ends up sounding more like a Fox News dropout," Abby went on and Olivia could do no more than be impressed by her wind capacity. Olivia smiled over her cup of tea with a slight shake of her head and continued to listen.

"I don't know how the little bastard keeps finding and harassing me like I'm really going to help him with his story of 'Family Man or Fraud'," Abby illustrated the headline with a sweep of her hand through the air, "God! Why do I work for republicans?" Olivia's cultivated ease over the past hour suddenly cooled and hardened in her stomach. Would it always feel this way? Like the approaching dark clouds ready to cover not only herself and Fitz but anyone in their proximity?

Olivia found herself staring back through the window at the cold, wet, and windblown scenery before Abby cleared her throat in an attempt to regain her attention.

Olivia saw Abby's face slightly edged with anxiety for her and the ball grew colder still. She didn't want her to worry or let her in that there was something to worry about. "How are things on your end of the Beltway?" Abby asked with some eagerness.

Olivia straightened up and refocused her attention before answering, "Uh, fine. Good. I've been prying through some applications for new associates but otherwise just trying to work." Olivia had already informed Abby of Huck's departure in one of their previous lunch dates. She decided that all she could do for him was to take solace in his sporadic updates of his safety and return to work and re-establishing her office. Thinking of his possible current circumstances proved too much for her at times.

Olivia also had to admit to herself that she was completely restless. She needed to work. She was trying to keep away from Fitz and Mellie's problems after Fitz made her promise to let him deal with it but it was becoming increasingly hard. The few moments she could completely remove her role from the scenerio, she saw that it was frankly a good case.

After that realization she knew she must have been losing her mind and jumped at the first case that came her way at OPA.

 _It was when Nanami Moto contacted her office about her increasing problem that she leaped at the chance. Nanami's case was a fairly simple one that Olivia would have normally passed off to one of her associates, had she any. Nanami was a marine biologist who'd in the last year opened a research and learning center in the DC area. Soon PETA got wind of her facility and began their protesting of_ Moto Marina Aquarium and Research Laboratories _. This usually wouldn't be much of a problem, seeing as PETA would pick a fight with a leaf who'd smacked the face of a squirrel on a windy day, except that young starlets Jason Monroe and Michelle LaTone took it upon themselves to make the matter a personal project for themselves. What was worse, two seals died while in her facility, and a few hashtags later,_ Moto Marina _was under full attack by the public._

" _I don't understand Ms. Pope," Nanami said for the fourth time since she arrived. "My employees and I go above and_ far _beyond government regulations within our labs." She was pacing the floor of OPA's conference room clutching a cup of coffee provided to her by a mostly inattentive Quinn, who looked to be looking through their client instead of actually listening. Olivia pushed back that issue in favor of dealing with the case._

 _Nanami continued her pacing and started to aggressively rub her hands through her hair and before long, she could run her labs with the electricity from the static she was producing. "We pride ourselves on what we are able to and hope to do for the planet and community of children that we help instruct. We are scientists. We are environmentalists. We are educators for future generations! W-w-we are trying to make sure there is a planet to even call home for future generations!" Nanami's tawny skin began to fluster and redden with her agitation and, along with the current state of her hair, she looked like a demented bird ready to explode. Olivia tried to defuse her, giving her a seat to sit in and forcing her to breathe evenly._

" _So, what happened to the fish then?" Quinn asked. So she apparently was listening._

" _What?" Nanami responded after a restorative sip of coffee. "You mean the seals_ _?"_

" _If you are helping the environment and animals so much, what happened to the fish?" Quinn inquired further with her voice still laced with indifference._

 _Nanami jumped to the edge of her seat, splashing some of her coffee, with a look of pleading on her face. "They were already sick!" she bellowed. "That was the reason we were bringing them to Moto in the first place. We'd been tracking them for well over a year now and noticed changes in their reproduction output and general population. They died while in our care, not because of it!" Nanami fell back into her chair and shut her eyes to concentrate on her breathing while Quinn continued her impassive gaze._

 _Olivia began her own pacing of the floor, trying to think of the most effective course of action. After a short time, she stopped in front of Nanami, taking in her appearance. She didn't completely encompass the image of how one would envision a scientist. Besides the mini explosion that was now her hair and the natural rouge she had taken on, she seemed a rather good mixture of intellect and average woman. She was well-kept but not overly fashionable. She had a sweet face that could still cut into an edge, as demonstrated in the last half-hour of their meeting. Olivia could put her in front of a camera but Nanami's passion could all too easily be misinterpreted into rage or guilty floundering. No, it was best that she kept her image in still life._

" _Alright, I'm going to need the reports you have on the decline of the aqua life that you have been observing, not just of the ones that died in your care. I'll need all of the community outreach you have accomplished as well as any developments your research has made or, better yet, proof of determent of the ecosystem due to human disturbance. We'll handle the rest." Olivia felt the warm rush rising in her chest as she shot off commands. The unequal high of shifting puzzle pieces into place to produce the image she wanted to be seen. It always made her stand a little taller, step a bit firmer, and strangely breathe somewhat easier._

" _Alright, I'll get it to you as soon as possible," Nanami said looking slightly stunned but moving towards the door with an assurance. She approached Olivia and began energetically shaking her hand while offering thanks. She then dutifully ran out of the conference room looking slightly less disheveled._

 _Olivia shifted her gaze to Quinn. "Find out what PETA's been up to lately. What they have or should have been doing over the past few months." Quinn, with her unchanging listless expression, reached across the large conference and pulled her laptop up to her. "That shouldn't take long," she mumbled._

" _Good, I'm sure we only need to give this a nudge to get the ball rolling. PETA's own weight will carry it the rest of the way." Olivia let her words trail off as she stood a few feet away, eyeing Quinn. Her appearance hadn't changed in the past few weeks. She was still leather clad and dark lined. She knew it was because of Huck's leaving, not to mention why he had to leave in the first place. Olivia tried previously to ask if she was ok with no success. She thought she should ask again but the distraction of the case they were working was too enticing to fall back into dealing with emotions she wasn't herself ready to deal with._

" _We'll use what Nanami gives us to paint herself and her company as pillars of the community and planet. Diligent workers who are trying to insure the future of our planet for our children working against the Big Bad of industrial pollution and global warming." Olivia stomped off to her office to begin the control media preparations, leaving Quinn_ _industrially typing away with dull eyes._

"And that was pretty much all it took," Olivia finished her recap to Abby as she took another mini zucchini rose tart from the serving dish. The flaky crust, creamy cheese mixture, and roasted vegetable flavors were heavenly. "Mm! We have to come back here again. This is my favorite place so far."

"I know! Leo took me here on a date a while back and now we come here like once a week. I think we're their best customers now," Abby rambled off. It made Olivia truly happy to know that Abby found someone after David. She would never forgive herself for making Abby believe the accusations she made about David beating his ex-girlfriend. It made her heart heavy just thinking about that awful decision she made. She was setting a fire to extinguish the one she already started. One wrong decision after another.

Olivia felt her smile fall as she stared into the trays of zucchini tarts, stuffed grape tomatoes, and fruit kabobs when she heard Abby conspicuously clear her voice.

"So, uh, how's it going with…uh Johnathon?"

Olivia looked up with a cocked brow, "Huh? Who?"

"The guy you've been seeing. You know, the one who's… _merger_ is ending with his _partner_." Abby widen her eyes, cocked her head, and leaned forward just a bit as if she were trying to project her thoughts by force and Olivia burst out laughing at the view.

"Oh, ooohh. Um, it's been…well it's actually been pretty great." Olivia felt the face splitting grin spread across her face involuntarily and tried to compose herself. "Yeah, um, the merger split has been kind of hard on both of us but we've really been taking the time to get to know each other again. It's been really good." She gave up her attempt at remaining calm let out a chuckle as Abby joined her jubilance.

She and Abby use to speak so intimately about their relationships over law books and practice exams when they were in college. She missed it greatly but the very nature of Fitz and her relationship meant secrecy and seclusion for so long. She missed talking this way with Abby. Nevertheless, seeing as Fitz was Abby's boss, she still felt some decorum should remain between them about it all.

Olivia spent the next ten minutes or so redefining the word "decorum" with Abby before things moved on to more pertinent topics. "What are your plans for Ella's birthday?" They both knew she wasn't speaking of gifts and childproof clothing. She and Abby both knew that Olivia was trying to stay out of the situation but old habits died hard.

"We have the President and Senator Grant arriving 5 minutes apart. Enough time that they will run into each other in front of Cy's house to be photographed cordially greeting each other before entering the press free home," Abby informed her in hushed tones. "We'll keep them separated once inside. I doubt they'd cause that much of a scene in front of so many kids."

Olivia nodded at the plan. It was a good start but it could go much further. From the small bits she could get out of Fitz of his recent encounters with Mellie, the greeting was probably the best they could hope for under the circumstances. She still wanted to know exactly what Mellie and the uncharacteristically calm Cyrus was up to lately. These were two people that wouldn't dare take anything like this lying down.

Fifteen minutes later, she and Abby said their goodbyes and Olivia drove away feeling the mass in her belly chill her once again. She tried to push away all of the feelings, keeping hold of her afternoon with Abby and expected evening with Fitz. The thoughts succeeded with ebbing the feeling for a short time but her mind kept wandering back to an uncertain future.

* * *

Olivia pulled up to Moto Marina some 30 minutes later with the stack of research files Nanami brought her for her case. She was greeted in the lobby by a much happier and composed woman than the one she met some days ago and the sight lighten Olivia's mood again. Olivia gave her the files and graciously pushed off Nanami's praise five times over.

"I just have no idea how I will ever repay you for helping me. Oh, here! I'm glad you came today!" Nanami reached over the reception counter and pulled out an envelope, then giving it to her. "They just came in. The smallest token of my appreciation. Besides the check of course."

They both gave a small chuckle as Olivia opened the envelope to find a lifetime membership card inside sporting a cheerful metallic background with an array of aquatic life swimming about.

"Oh, wow! Thank you!" Olivia sincerely replied. She hadn't been to an aquarium since she was a child on a field trip. She wasn't sure how much time she'd actually have to travel there but it was a nice gesture none the less.

"It's no problem at all," Nanami exclaimed. "You're the reason we're even able to keep our doors open and research ongoing. Actually, speaking of, I have a couple of stingrays that need greeting. Please stay and take a tour since you've traveled all this way already."

Nanami hugged her goodbye and sprinted off towards the research section of the building. It was a good idea. She had another hour or so to kill before she wanted to be back at the office. Olivia grabbed a tour map and began to wonder the facility.

It was quite beautiful inside. She walked through the tank lined tunnels in total awe of the sheer size, quantity, and variety of sea life. Sharks, jellyfish, minnows, crabs, salmon, and plenty of other creatures she couldn't immediately identify moving in with a natural flow and pulse of life around each other. Some of the tunnels even had overhead tanks that gave the illusion of encapsulation.

Olivia had always loved the water. Being in the water has this way of completely encapsulating you yet you're completely free. The comfort of both protection and laxity. But she was use to chlorine filled pools and the heart pounding adrenaline speed of a race. Here, it had the opposite effect. She felt calmer and lighter.

Olivia found herself at the end of one tunnel that had and indented dome tank with a sitting bench in front. She took a seat facing the dome and felt as if she were in a bubble under the sea, all alone. Sitting there, she tried to let her mind escape and travel through the open sea but kept shooting back to strategies and plans. When she couldn't deter those thoughts, the memories of her parents and general hellish life in the past few years crept up to choke her.

She did want to talk about everything. She truly did but then Jason Carfax's face would appear in her mind and she would retreat back. How could she just unburden herself on to another for them to bear the load? Who could she even trust to speak to of federal crimes incriminating herself and her friends?

Olivia closed her eyes and tried to push it all into her stomach to join the already heavy load she carried there. When she felt herself finally calm, she slowly opened her eyes only for them to be met by a sea turtle. A _huge_ sea turtle. It had all manners of smaller sea life traveling around it but it didn't seem to mind. Its old eyes were intent on her as it slowly chewed some type of leafy green.

Olivia found herself staring back at the turtle for some time, getting lost in its eyes. She then looked around her to see who was near. This part of the tunnel seemed rather deserted at the moment. She turned back to her new companion and took a deep breathe.

She started and stopped several times, feeling completely foolish but finally just pushed out the words.

"I…I…fell in love. With a married man. A man of great power that I helped create. A man I just couldn't seem to let go, to get out of my head." The words left her laboriously at first but slowly began to flow with ease. "I didn't want to believe he actually, truly loved me. He couldn't. Not after all that I brought into his life and after what he's brought into mine. No matter how he made me feel when we were alone or how he said I made him feel, it just couldn't be true. I'm...not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy." She paused then and recalled the fire in her chest that day in the Oval office. It was always easier to be the strong one. To only worry of oneself and to relish in the respect it demands. She'd always been taught that she had to be strong to be respected in this world but strength and desire seem to be mutually exclusive for women like her.

"It's not real. It can't be real."

Her last words died off as they left her mouth. She sat there for a few moments and tried to sort her thoughts into words, pinching the bridge of her nose to relieve the tension building in her head.

"But I know I push away. I know I do it. I've done it for so long now that it is hard to stop. It's so hard trying to…to figure out what I actually…ugh!" Olivia jumped up and paced in front of her staring companion, frustrated at her loss of words.

"For so long I didn't know if I was making excuses to stay or excuses to leave. Was I trying to push this fantasy of true love or was I digging and finding every excuse to call it all a sham? Was I trying to force him or was he trying to force me? Was everyone right? What was the truth? What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to choose? Or be?!"

Olivia felt that she was making no sense at all but knowing she was talking to a turtle through several inches of tempered glass made it okay.

"But I knew the answers to it all," she said as she collapsed back onto the bench feeling the air pucker out of the seams of the cushions. "It just didn't change anything. It couldn't change who we were, who we weren't, and who we wanted to be, could be, to each other. He always had so much hope. So much faith. It was annoying and terrifying!"

Her soft tears filled her throat and she had to clear it before she could go on. She wiped her eyes and cheeks, leaving her hand to rest over her mouth. She sat for a few long moments, letting her eyes un-focus so that it truly looked as if she were in the tank with all the other creatures.

"I don't know what I was thinking when I went to his balcony that night. I really don't but I knew I had to go. I always thought we were doomed. There is no way we could start the way we have, gone through what we have experienced, lose what we had and still end up…happy. Okay. I just knew it couldn't happen but I went anyway. Now, I just don't care." She shrugged her shoulders and let the words roll down her arms and onto the floor.

"I don't care. I found home and I want to stay for as long as I can. I can still feel the doom creeping towards us but I just want to enjoy it now while I still have it. It's so selfish and I don't deserve it but I want it. I want him. For as long as possible."

Olivia finally felt a finality to her thoughts and just let them rest there. She stared through the glass at her companion until it finally turned away and slowly crept towards other entertainment, carrying her words and burdens with it.

* * *

Olivia felt as though she were floating as she left the aquarium. She barely remembered getting home and into bed. She felt completely drained and going to her office didn't seem like an option. She immediately fell into a deep sleep.

She awoke several hours into the night at the sound of her bedroom door creeping open. She sat up and saw the tall and familiar silhouette hesitate in her doorway. She opened her blanket and scooted over in invitation. Fitz slowly stripped away his clothes, and day it seemed, before he slipped into bed with her. His body was slightly chilled and she wrapped herself around him. He pulled her closer and kissed her neck before he deeply sighed. The same sigh she made hours ago. The sigh of resolve. Of belonging.

She quickly began to drift back to sleep holding her home in her arms thinking of how badly he needed to shave.


	7. Persistent Illusions

**A/N: Hi everyone! I have read all of your reviews and I can't tell you how much they all mean to me! I am so happy you are enjoying this story. I have warning for you for this chapter: I wrote the three big conversations and the first page or two for this chapter about a week before the premiere. I didn't have the time to fill in all of the other spaces and post it before the premiere so I didn't worry about it. Two episodes later and I see that the conversations I wrote greatly resemble what was said on the show so far. That makes me hopeful for the season and Olitz but not so much for this story. So basically, sorry if this story just seems like déjà vu for what you've already seen on screen. I still hope you enjoy it in the context of what I've previously written and I hope to continue.**

"Liv, this is disgusting."

"I know! Keep going."

"You shouldn't do that with a penis. It's unnatural."

"It is literally nature, Fitz!"

Fitz grunted in disagreement as he obligingly swiped his iPad screen to scroll down on the entomology website while Olivia lay grossly fascinated on his shoulder. It started innocently enough when they decided to browse through the children's Big Book of Bugs that they decided to get Ella for her birthday. An hour and several websites and categories later, they were now on mating rituals.

"If nothing else, I very much appreciate your restraint now," Fitz said as he rubbed soft circles around his hand's resting place atop her hip.

Olivia responded by grazing her hand teasingly just above his pelvic bone. "To be fair, it's completely selfish on my part. I wouldn't want to damage the goods." Fitz dipped his head and began to gently nibble on her collar bones. Olivia exploded into laughter, bucking and kicking to get away.

"Fine! Fine, we'll stop reading it!" She could barely get the words out as she cackled and gasped for air. He finally got her pinned down and looked at her as she tried to compose herself. Her smile was remarkable. Her genuine smile. Not just the business one that seems to be her default. Nor the one the screams "danger" when it's clearly the only thing stopping her from attacking. He slowly inched his face towards hers until their lips rested on each other. He lightly kissed her lips, then her chin, her neck, her collarbone, then her chest over her heart. He slowly inched farther down leaving goosebumps in his wake.

"You're going to be exhausted for the birthday party tomorrow. And I don't have any matching concealer and foundation for you," he heard her speak from above.

He laughed abruptly over her naval causing her to suck in her stomach a bit. "I'm the President of the United States. I'm always exhausted." He heard a skeptical "mmhmm" and laid his head on her stomach with a sigh.

"Ok, you can let it all out now." He saw her brows furrow over the mounds of her breast before sitting up. "Your plan. Or ideas or advice. Whatever you've been holding in for weeks."

Olivia sat up and gave him a suspicious eye. "You said you didn't want my help with this." He gave a slight shrug saying, "I partly just wanted to see how long you'd last. I always know when you're thinking about it because you vibrate with containment and I wanted to see if you'd actually explode one day."

Fitz watched as her face hilariously went from offended to slightly hurt and, finally, to acceptance.

Fitz watched as Olivia began to detail her plan and it looked as though an actual light illuminated inside of her.

"Abby's plan is ok so far. It's basic enough but this is huge and the media are not going to keep taking 'this is personal' for long. We need to set up an interview to discuss the divorce. Nothing too invasive but nothing obviously evasive either. Not a long Oprah's couch interview but not you just speaking at people instead of to them. Give them the illusion of intimacy."

Fitz thought his plan might have backfired because Olivia still looked as though she would explode, this time with excitement and the high of work. It was one of the most attractive qualities about her. Her drive and love for what she did. Seeing the wheels turn in her mind through her eyes and the fire they produced. He could watch her work all day, even if it did involve this particularly sore spot.

"For tomorrow, everything just has to remain calm. You and Mellie will have to fast-forward to amicable divorced couple with kids. At least in public. You don't get the privilege of "their working it out' in the public eye. There should never be any accusation in your words or tone. She can easily play the slighted wife card, especially with an exposed affair and other rumors under your belt."

Olivia's tone faded and the light under her skin dimmed with her last sentence. He wondered if Amanda Tanner's ghost walked across the room at the mention of her, carrying the truth of what he'd done. The drunken night of desperation paired with a short-sided plan of removing Olivia from Mellie's toolshed by throwing her into the lion's den of the media. He made a futile attempt to clear his throat of the guilt.

"Ok…I think…I _will_ do it," Fitz corrected himself. "We'll just make sure the birthday girl and Teddy have a good time."

"Karen won't be there?" Olivia looked up again to ask. "Having the entire family there would be better. Everyone is going to look at the children during this entire thing. Teddy is young and probably doesn't know what's going on but they'll know that Karen knows wh…"

"No, Liv," Fitz said as he made his way out of the bed. He paced the floor a bit before turning back to her. "Their entire lives have been for our gain. Mellie and I. Just another piece of the political puzzle. I won't do that anymore. I can't."

Olivia slowly nodded her head as she looked up at him. "Ok. Ok." She reached down on the floor and grabbed her discarded silk pajama top and slid it over her head. As her head popped through the hole, she remarked to him, "And you need to behave tomorrow, too!"

"Huh? I said I'll be fine," Fitz responded with confusion.

"I mean with me, Fitz. We're Ella's godparents so we're expected to be together for some of the day but no funny business."

"What? I'm not going to pull you into the bushes for a quickie?!"

"You have before," Olivia said throwing him an accusing look.

"That was one time! And it wasn't at a kid's birthday party, either!" Fitz plopped back on the bed and leaned over to give her a smothering kiss when she playfully dodged and rolled out of bed. He watched as she sauntered into the bathroom and heard her prepare to shower. He thought of following her in but thought better of doing so.

Fitz laid back in Olivia's bed and made himself comfortable. He really was tired and knew some shut eye was needed. He let his mind wander and think about the day that lay ahead, rehearsing how he should greet and mingle with Mellie throughout the day. He'd heard it before but experience proved how much politics truly was a play and he had to be an actor. He let his mind drift to the more pleasant thoughts of being with Olivia and Teddy together in such an easy setting. He knew Olivia was right. They couldn't appear to be more than acquaintances, mild friends at most, while so many people were around. He wanted to tell everyone to screw themselves and arrive with Olivia hand in hand but knew it wasn't time. Not yet. He supposed his dreams would have to suffice for the time being.

Fitz stirred in bed after having fallen asleep. All of the lights were off now and he knew it had been some time. He rolled and reached for Olivia but only felt the crumbled and cool sheets. He looked around trying to adjust his eyes to the dark and rub the sleep away. He saw Olivia's dark silhouette sitting at the end of the bed and softly called out to her.

"Liv, you ok?" He reached for the side lamp on her side of the bed when she softly stopped him with the touch of her hand. He could see her a bit more clearly now. She was still in her bath robe and her hair was in tight ringlet curls. "Liv?" he called to her again.

She didn't remove her gaze from the empty spot next to him and spoke quietly but steady enough.

"Fitz, what I said about us behaving during the birthday party, I meant it. We can't be found out. Not yet." She took a slow, deep breathe before going on.

"You know that saying about having to be a whole person before starting a relationship? They tell you that you're not supposed to look for someone to complete you because you are already whole. I always thought about that before seriously dating someone, especially you." She looked over to him briefly then. He couldn't see the expression on her face but heard the tone in her voice.

"I was a whole person. I _am_ a whole person. I thought that would make me safe. Then I met you. I was still whole and you were, too, but…I felt as though we began to…to merge with each other. Slowly I felt us colliding in this magnificent way. I felt as though I was losing myself with you. In you. Then I realized that when you left, you would take that piece of me with you and I wouldn't be whole again. And I couldn't do that." Her voice trailed off and they were silent for a minute or two.

"I am a successful woman. I am a very successful woman. I am a very successful black woman. I am marginally known publically. Everything I do and achieve will be linked to those parts of me. I am automatically elected as a poster child for my sex and race, no matter how I feel of it. And some times that was the best feeling in the world. Knowing that I could show who we really are, not just who we're assumed to be." He heard the pride in her voice and he smiled a bit at the sound. The smile fell with her next words, "And many times, it's too much. They take my failures along with my successes. My flaws along with my strengths. Knowing this meant that being with you felt traitorous sometimes. I was losing larger pieces of myself in you everyday and when you would eventually leave, when the love of a man would bring me to my knees, I wouldn't be the woman I was supposed to be. It felt so…regressive, to let a man affect me so much. To change me so much. That's how I felt. That's what they'll say."

Olivia looked back at Fitz one more time before she stood and returned to the bathroom once again. His sight drifted towards the window where he could see the beginnings of the approaching dawn and he thought of a very different outcome to his once comforting thoughts of the future.

Fitz watched his son, goddaughter, and five other children run around in a circle screaming for no other reason than the enjoyment of the noise and motion. He greatly wanted to join them but instead had to walk the minefield of adults around him. Their arrival went smoothly with no more than a few tense words through clenched teeth. Nothing new or tricky there. He greeted Teddy and Mellie warmly when they arrived shortly after he did. He thought as though he struck the right balance with Mellie in front of the press. Polite parents being there for their son. He made sure to keep up the façade while indoors as well, heeding Olivia's words that they would definitely be watched there as well. They took photos together, spoke for a moment or two afterwards, then separated for a while. It seemed to be an effective pattern that they repeated for the duration of the party. He did the same with Olivia but with much less frequency. It was a stage, he reminded himself, and they all had their parts to play.

He felt the idea anger him more and more as the party went along and he stole into the house for an intermission. He wandered about with only the shadow of his secret service agent to accompany him. He'd been to Cyrus's home before but not in some time. He found himself in a hallway lined with pictures. They looked to be in chronological order and Fitz slowly walked along the hallway watching the progression of Cyrus's life. He knew this must have been James's idea rather than Cyrus's. He smiled at the pictures of them smiling with Ella in their arms like a happy couple. Then James's face faded from the collection and they were mostly of Ella and other people he didn't quite recognize.

He imagined Cyrus continue this tradition after James's death as a way to keep him alive. The idea didn't match up with the cutthroat man he knew for so long. He began to feel a twisted comradery with him knowing their shared pain, knowing that Gerry's face faded out his family photos as well. Fitz felt a shadow creep across his face and an ache in his heart with the memory. He then heard Cyrus's voice coming from the kitchen and followed to speak with him. The closer he approached the voice, the more he remembered why he hadn't heard it in so long. Cyrus knowingly and willingly betrayed him. Once he was in Fitz's sight, the shadow of grief had turned into a heated rage under the surface of his skin.

Cyrus was in the middle of a frenzy of people bringing in empty trays, taking out filled ones to the guest in the backyard, setting up the gift table, and keeping things in general order. Cyrus shooed the last of them away after doing an apparently unsatisfactory job with the birthday cupcakes. They found themselves alone and Fitz tried to calm himself before he spoke. He wanted to ask him why. Why did he work with Rowan knowing what he'd done? He knew the answer, though. It was always the same excuse for everything Cyrus wanted to justify. He couldn't hear those words come out of his mouth again with regard to his son, so he decided to ask another question at the forefront of his mind.

"What are you up to, Cyrus?"

Cyrus looked up startled for a moment, then resumed his preparations as he spoke, "Ah, Mr. President! I hope you and your family are enjoying yourselves. Global warming seems to be on our side today with the weather and I remembered Teddy's allergy. Well, Michael remembered and your staff reminded me repeatedly for weeks. I guess Lizzy Bear and Charlotte are working out well…"

"Cut the bullshit, Cy. What are you planning? I know you want back in and it will not happen. Whatever you are going to do won't work." Fitz's voice was venomous and he unclenched his hands and jaw with some effort. Cyrus paused but seemed unfazed by his tone.

"I don't have to do anything. You both will do it to yourselves. You always say how you'll sacrifice your career for her, give it all away for her. Do you really think she would do the same for you? Do you really think that once the media attacks like wild rabid dogs, picking her apart, dissecting her, and vilifying her that she will think you were worth it all? That you were worth sacrificing the climb she had to make to be where she is now? You think she'll hug you tighter at night once the slurs and damnations start?" Cyrus darkly chuckled and lifted the tray of cupcakes, heading for the patio doors. "Ok, yeah sure. You are naïve about this and you decided to infect her, too. Good luck, Mr. President."

Fitz felt punched in the gut for the second time that day by the same words, the same truth. He was glad Cyrus left immediately because he would know how to respond. He wasn't even sure there was a response to what both Cy and Olivia said to him.

Fitz stood staring at the scene outside of presumed happy adults hovering over their children. Everyone making happy and civil conversations with each other and Fitz wondered which of them would push them over a ledge first for their own gain. Fitz put his stage smile back on and entered stage right.

Olivia searched through her overnight bag for her wide-tooth hairbrush inside of the residence bathroom. She almost dumped the entire bag onto the counter before she finally found it and began detangling her hair. As she did so, she saw Fitz walk through the door in his pajama pants and a fitted dark navy blue t-shirt. He smiled at her weakly and began to brush his teeth in the adjourning sink. She found herself sneaking peaks at him while he brushed. His biceps in the shirt and the thin pants material made her want to abandon straightening her hair, thinking it futile with what she had in mind for the next few hours. She noticed the tenseness in his face at the party and still now. She knew her words to him that morning still lingered but she had to tell him. He had to know what was coming. He was always so hopeful about them coming out. She thought that he believed the world would see her the same way he did. It just wasn't true. She didn't mean to push him away, she just didn't want him to be disillusioned and unprepared once it all came crashing on them.

She saw Fitz finish brushing and rinse his mouth when he abruptly spoke.

"I think it's an exchange. Not a loss." With that morning's conversation fresh in her mind, Olivia didn't have trouble following him. They stared at each other through the bathroom mirror.

"We don't lose a part of ourselves when we are together, we exchange a part. We are still whole but now we are…we're new. Whole but new. Forever apart of each other."

Fitz faced Olivia then and she turned to do the same. She saw that passion in his eyes that was both endearing and terrifying to her at times. Intoxicating even. "I will fight with you. I will fight for you. I don't know what else I should do, what else I could do, or if it will even help but I promise that is the very least you will get of me."

Olivia looked down as she set her hairbrush down and heard the clinking noise as it hit the porcelain countertop. She looked back up and faced Fitz when she spoke, "I know that now, Fitz. I know." She did know. It didn't change how society would swarm on her once they all knew of her relationship with Fitz.

Olivia gently led Fitz to the bed to settle for the evening. As they fell asleep with their foreheads and noses connected, there was an ease in her stomach. Love wouldn't be an excuse with the public but at least she knew she wasn't alone. She was changed, not incomplete.


	8. A Foolish Game

Olivia navigated her way through the throng of elementary school children buzzing around with excitement inside of the Moto Marina Aquarium. She watched as several of them crowded towards the glass to admire the schools of fish and could overhear the teasing from one older boy to a younger girl.

"Yes they do! My dad said so. Sharks like red things and now they're going to get you because of your jacket."

"No they're not!" The girl in red ferociously retorted back. The volume of her voice caught the attention of one of the supervising parents. When the man started towards the crowd of children, they all snapped into an obviously well practiced line formation before being escorted off to their appointed tour.

She smiled back at them as they secretly shoved and teased each other under their breaths as they rounded a corner only to be silenced by the passing of a large, illuminating group of jellyfish. She saw the last two young girls, hand in hand, round the corner with their matching puffball ponytails. "Two babies," she echoed Fitz's words softly. Would she have time for things like this? The trips, plays, recitals…the memories. As she made her way towards the giant turtle, she found out her name was Solada, and tried to recall the last time she was home before 11 pm in the past few weeks. There weren't many nights that she was.

In all fairness, many of those nights were spent with Fitz. They were both growing increasingly busy. Olivia picked up several clients ranging from dirt digging and dirt cleaning. Thankfully they were unrelated clients. Now she was working on settling the 10 million dollar last will and testament of one Edgar Foreman with his nine listed beneficiaries. It wouldn't have been too much of a problem if the document hadn't read, "Suck it and figure it out yourself." An even split of assets also seemed out of the question with his family.

Olivia tried to let the aquatic atmosphere relieve the headache the mere thought of the Foreman family gave her. She finally made it to Solada's section of the tank and took a seat. This was Olivia's fifth visit to the aquarium and after each one she felt a bit less silly for talking to a turtle. There were also visits like today's when she would just sit. She thought it must be her turn to listen. She figured a balance was needed but she didn't mind.

Her thoughts fluttered between clients, Quinn, and a search for new employees. She could see increasing signs of life return to Quinn daily but it was nothing near what she once was. She hoped she would spark with some new faces once Olivia finished her search. A search that had not been very fruitful thus far. She thought better of using her previous methods of recruitment but the standard research and interview process wasn't producing the results she wanted.

Olivia tried to shake the thoughts from her mind. She'd been racking her mind about it for weeks with no viable solution. Maybe silence would reveal something. She leaned back on the bench, resting her weight on her palms and turned her closed eyes upwards. She watched the swirling lights shine through her eyelids and let her mind go. She'd done this plenty of times before, sat and reflected. It usually resulted in overthinking and she never felt much better afterwards.

Not here. Everything seemed to be absorbed in this space. It felt like the eerie quiet after a snowstorm. The water siphoned the noises of her mind and body so that she left feeling renewed. Her peaceful moment came to a crashing halt when one child screamed "turtle" at the top of their lungs.

The children all swarmed around Olivia, pushing and shoving towards the front to get a peek at Solada. She jumped up and tried to step her way through the fascinated children without stepping on toes with her heeled feet when she bumped into someone at least tall enough to be an adult.

"Oh, ma'am, I am so sorry! They all saw the turtle and just got away from me!" The woman stood an inch or two taller than Olivia, though she had on flats versus Olivia's 4 inch heels. With her medium-brown hair and eyes, there was nothing especially remarkable about her besides the thin two inch scar along her left ear. It was the peculiar recollection Olivia had of it being from a past surgery that jolted her memories of the woman.

"Nola Richards?" Olivia feigned uncertainty but was now sure of the woman's identity.

"Oh! Olivia Pope! Oh, wow! How have you been?" Nola swooped in for a brief hug, throwing Olivia off a bit.

"I've been good. Great," Olivia responded, feeling still uneasy. "Um, how about you? How long have you been teaching elementary school? Last time I saw you, you were with the high school kids."

"Oh, I still am," Nola replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Today, I am on mommy duty though. I'm just here as a chaperone for my Alex's class."

On cue, one of Alex's classmates let an exaggerated wail of distress, catching the two women's attention. "I guess it's time I get back to that. It was really great to see you! We will have to catch up some time." Nola's attention was growing divided between Olivia and the distress call. She began to walk backwards towards the children while still speaking, "Uh, I have to run but I guess it would be much easier for me to find you than the other way around. I'll keep in touch."

With a final wave, she began to expertly defuse the situation in front of her. Olivia stared after Nola for a moment longer before turning to exit the aquarium. Once she found herself in her car, she sat with her keys in her hand staring at her steering wheel.

The small patting noise of several rain drops stirred her from her thoughts. She slowly shook the last thoughts from her mind, whispering, "You are ridiculous, Olivia Pope. Very ridiculous."

[Page Break]

He was still working. Olivia could hear his deep voice echo down the hallway of the residence. It clued her in to how tired he was before she even rounded the corner into the living room. He'd at least changed for bed but a phone receiver tucked between his right shoulder and ear while he read from a file in his hand. On his left shoulder laid the incapacitated Teddy Grant drooling onto his father's shirt.

Olivia gave a quick wave to catch his attention before heading towards the bedroom. She didn't want to distract his phone call or, worse, wake up the sleeping toddler. He gave her a sweet, if tired, smile in return before continuing his pacing.

Olivia's previous non-intrusive corner of belongings had since spread to the bathroom and a drawer but she still didn't care to leave a trace behind her. At least not once she was gone. For now, kicking off her heels in a random direction was too euphoric for her to care about anything else. A hot shower sounded even more pleasing.

As she stripped down and pinned up her hair, she could still hear Fitz's faint voice in the living room. He was prepping for the G8 summit. Well, G7 summit, she corrected herself. Between his preparations and her increased workload, they'd mostly just spoken to each other briefly over the phone, with one or two drowsy dinners, in the past few weeks. It was unlikely to change within the next month, either.

Once showered and dressed for bed herself, Olivia began to walk back towards Fitz. He was still on the phone but Teddy was now gone. Marta must have come to take him back to his own room. Olivia sat on the couch closest to Fitz, folding her legs under her.

"Danke, Kanzler Merkal. Auf Wiedersehen," Fitz finished as he tossed the binder he'd been discussing on the chair in front of him. He let out a heavy sigh and rolled his neck around, trying to let out the knots.

"Much better pronunciation," Olivia said. She'd heard Fitz attempt German while speaking to Counselor Merkal before and was two steps up from appalled. She'd made him practice that phrase to him every time they spoke.

"I guess practice really does make perfect," Fitz murmured while diving for a kiss. He then completely collapsed beside her, shifting the couch slightly. He laid his head across her lap and closed his eyes as Olivia stroked his hair.

After a few minutes, she thought he'd fallen asleep until he spoke, "Did you decide? Are you going to do it?" His eyes remained closed but his voice still seemed clear.

"I really shouldn't, Fitz," she tried to protest, even though her heart wasn't completely in it. One of the agenda topics for the G7 was empowering self-employed women and women in vocational training and Fitz was putting together a panel of them to brainstorm and be heard. He'd been encouraging her to be involved and she would have normally jumped at the chance. The only problem was that Mellie would also be there. Mellie was never self-employed and there was probably no vocational school within 50 miles of her childhood home but she was a woman in politics. Any women's issues would always be her business.

Olivia tried to imagine herself in the panel with Mellie and how disastrous it would turn out. "No. No, I don't think that's a good idea." Fitz knew what her apprehensions were and had been trying to talk her out of it for some time.

"Liv, this is a great opportunity for you. Please don't pass it up because of Mellie." His tone was slightly pleading and she gave a noncommittal "mmhmm" in return and shut her eyes while continuing to stroke his head in her lap. She tried to mimick her tranquil moment in the aquarium, pushing any thoughts from her mind, but it only reminded her of the plain brunette woman.

 _It had been three days since she spent the night with Governor Grant. With Fitz. "No," she said, admonishing herself. "Governor Grant. He is Governor Grant." For three days, she damned herself for being so weak and gullible. He'd said it was the oldest trick in the book himself! How many others? For how many years? "You're such an idiot, Olivia," she whispered to herself as she paced the floor, looping around her hotel room dozenth time, the sounds of her footsteps lost in the plush rug beneath her feet._

 _She was still staring at the iPad in her hands as she paced but her eyes had long glazed over the reality in front of her in favor of memories. A night of rough thrushes mixed with soft kisses ran across her skin. Words of lust and comfort filled her ears. A face of hunger and tenderness materialized in front of her eyes._

 _Olivia almost felt sated all over again when the jolt of another memory rushed up and dissipated the cloud of fantasy. The memory of Governor Grant embracing Nola Richards in a quiet hallway just 24 hours before. Her face in his chest and his arms engulfing her. He'd moved on to the next one._

 _She'd spent three days trying to disenchant her thoughts of Governor Fitzgerald Grant with likely facts about a man who would cheat on his wife. She was sure that the state of the Grant marriage wasn't a farce. Anyone could see that but he was still married. She wondered if he'd used the same excuses and lines on Nola. He must have. They flowed with too much ease and conviction to be spur of the moment._

 _What if he was sincere? "Why would that matter?" she softly responded aloud to the still air as she collapsed onto her bed, iPad tossed to the side. You don't know what you saw. It was seconds in a hallway. "Maybe I should be happy that I got an entire minute." You avoided him for days. "He was avoiding me, too."_

 _She knew that was true. She tried to keep their contact at a minimum but she knew he did the same. He wouldn't make eye contact and never tried to be alone with her as he did before. He got what he wanted and didn't want anything else from her. She fully expected that this situation would be the outcome and was exasperated with herself that she walked her luggage to his room anyway. She was enraged with herself because she was disappointed with his predicted actions and missed him._

" _A fool. You are a complete fool. How many times have you seen the women you are now? How many times have you_ done this yourself _? And now the bastard has you talking to yourself!" Olivia pushed herself off of her bed and onto the floor, reaching underneath for her suitcase. She scavenged through until she found her swimsuit and goggles. She haphazardly searched a bit longer for her matching swim cap but frustration overcame her and she gave up as she headed for the door. "I guess I'll just have to fix my hair in the morning," she grunted to herself._

 _Her frustrations did not lighten as she made her way down the hall, onto the elevator, and down six floors to the basement level. It was later than she thought. The hotel was practically deserted besides the hotel staff. She was glad of it. She didn't want to fake niceties with anyone, she just needed to feel the rushing and force of the water along her entire body._

 _As she approached the gym's glass door, she rejoiced seeing that the lights were off there as well. The joy subsided when she slowly opened the door and saw a dark figure to her left. The figure was on a bench press and seemed to not have noticed her. The entrance to the pool was to the right and she attempted to slowly make her way there remaining undetected until another glimpse sparked recognition._

 _It was Fitz._

 _She knew she should have left. What else was there to say? She'd been avoiding him for good reason as was he, she presumed. It happened and now it was over and he was moving on to his next conquest. Olivia felt her equilibrium shift with the thought of Fitz and Nola in that hallway alone in an embrace. She walked backwards a few steps until she felt the cool plaster against her increasingly heated skin. She brandished herself once again for her irrational thoughts and emotions over her absurd circumstances._

 _Her thoughts soon shifted to Fitz's form in front of her. He was in a white t-shirt and heather grey sweatpants. Her eyes trailed across his thighs, over the bulge laying momentarily inert in his lap, and up his torso, quivering with exertion. She felt the dryness in her mouth and condensation between her palms and the wall as she watch him pump the weighted bar, stop, adjust his form and grip, then continue you on. Her stomach quivered with the familiarity of his moans of effort and she felt the pressure of his body spread over her own._

 _She was shocked out of her state when the load cracking noise of the metal bar met their resting stands. She tried not to move or breathe. She could see the entrance door for the pool area out of the corner of her eye, about half a yard to her right. He would know she was there right away once the sound of the door opening reach him though. She watched him closely as his chest expanded and collapsed. His arms splayed of the floor beside him and his eyes were closed. She could now see the green earbud chords over his chest and thought she could make it through the door undetected if she hurried._

 _Before she could make her move, Fitz sprang up from the bench, maneuvering so that his head and neck missed the bar. He stopped mid-motion as he spotted her. He straightened his posture and stared at her and she mirrored his movements. They remained unmoving but did not take their eyes off of each other. Olivia decided that she didn't have anything to say to him but curiosity overcame her and she wouldn't leave until he spoke. Olivia shifted into her Fixer stance and waited until for a response from Fitz's silhouetted figure across the room._

 _They stared for a few moments longer before Olivia saw Fitz reach down and grab his towel from the floor._

" _I should go," was all he said in a voice groaning from disuse. It was a completely anticipated response from him. She'd spent days coming to terms with his disposal of her, but before it was just in her mind. It had the complete possibility of being false when it was just part of the scenario brainstorming. What was worse than his words was the realization of her desire for them to be false. "You are such a fool." She spoke the mantra to herself over and over in her head as she watched Fitz collect the rest of his things from the bench around him._

" _Yes, you should leave," she spoke back to him, hoping her tone exhibited complete detachment. "And Governor Grant, please make sure to keep your rendezvous a bit more discreet than random hallways."_

 _Fitz froze at the gym door and closed it gently before approaching her. She took two steps back for every one of his longer ones. "What? Someone saw us?" His voice was hushed and laced with concern. She bet it was. She took an intentional long pause to relish in his fear before responding, "No, not us. You and Nola Richards. She doesn't seem the type to deal well with…what you do…I'd pick better people."_

 _He was close enough now to see his facial expressions and Olivia could see it contorted with emotion. She expected anger or smugness but Fitz looked utterly befuddled. "Nola Richards? What are you…" Clarification wiped over his face and was shortly replaced with a shadow of thought. His head dropped to the floor and he began to wring and twist the towel in his hands._

 _With this admission of shame, Olivia felt a fire begin in her belly. "I am here to help you win but if you keep throwing wrenches into everything I've worked so hard to fix, how am I supposed to do my job efficiently?" She'd began to raise her voice towards the end of her speech and stopped to compose herself again._

 _She opened her mouth to speak again in calmer tones when he beat her to it, "She was thanking me." Fitz didn't raise his head but moved to lean his back against the wall._

" _She was telling me how much Mellie's speech meant to her. How she was going through the exact same situation with her husband. She was saying only their other small children were holding them together and she even thought he was going to cheat on her," he looked up at her then and visibly swallowed. Olivia looked away as he continued, "But she wasn't sure if she cared. Then she saw how Mellie and I were suffering yet working through it and how we had even more on our plates, yet we were stilling…making it work." He stopped for a few moments then. Olivia moved to leaned on the wall beside him. "She was just vomiting this whole story and she started to cry and I tried to console her. She was leaving and just wanted to let me know…the lie works. The lie works, Livvie." He threw his arms up with unamused chuckle._

 _A moment later, Fitz shifted his body so that he faced Olivia and she impulsively moved closer. "I couldn't take it. This man I was becoming. I've fought so hard against becoming_ that man _. It just feels like life has been conspiring against me and…" He reached up and lightly caressed his finger along her chin and down to her collar bones. The sensation felt like the strike of a match. "Then later, I saw you and thought I was going to explode." Olivia closed her eyes and breathed him in. She knew what he meant. Fitz went on hovering in her space, an inch from her face, "I can't stop thinking about you. I just need you near me. I just want to be in our own world. Back on the campaign bus late at night, driving down the road in the middle of nowhere, in our own corner. Talking." He crouched low retraced the trail his finger let with soft kisses. "Not talking." She felt his hand run down her arm and grab hers. He pulled her palm to his lips and held it there for a few moments. "Just being."_

 _Olivia suddenly felt cold as Fitz moved a few steps back. He stared at her with eyes of bare restraint and misery._

" _But what kind of man would that make me, Livvie?"_

 _She knew this question did not stand alone. She knew it was her decision to make again. She should have went to her room the first time. Closing the door on their foolish conquest. Now it was her chance again to nip it all in the bud and just return to working for Governor Grant and nothing more._

 _Olivia picked up her dropped suit and goggles from the floor and walked to the pool area door. She stopped in the doorway and looked back at Fitz._

" _We can talk. Or not talk. You'll just need a shower first. Come on." She could feel the crack in her voice with her last words. She stared after Fitz, still facing the wall, and thought he'd change his mind and leave._

 _He finally looked up at her a slowly strode towards the door. He grabbed her hand and interlaced their fingers. "Thank you."_

Olivia watched Fitz's limp body lying in her lap. She let her fingers lay through his curls while she watched his stress etched face begin to relax away in the escape of sleep. "I am such a fool," she whispered to him. "And I love you, Fitz."


End file.
